Darkest Before Dawn
by banduraqueen
Summary: Sequel to After the Ball, previously titled What If, in which one dance led to so much more. Now guilt, angst and some very serious consequences ensue. Is a happy ending possible for Buffy and Giles at all? Stranger things have happened...
1. The End

**Darkest Before Dawn**  
**Rating:** PG 15  
**Genre:** Angst, Romance  
**Ship:** Buffy/Giles, and canon ships, notably Giles/Olivia and Buffy/Riley  
**Characters:** Buffy and Giles. Also, (in no particular order) Willow, Spike, Olivia, Dawn, Riley, Joyce, Xander and Anya. And a wee bit of Jonathan.  
**Summary:** Follow-up to "After the Ball." Buffy and Giles slept together. Giles has issues about it. Much angst ensues. And I mean MUCH. Really. Will they ever be able to repair their relationship? Am I capable of writing a happy ending? Let's find out... Starts at somewhere around "Something Blue" in the canon timeline, and will probably go until late season 5.  
**Disclaimer 1:** I like playing with other people's broken toys. These ones belong to Joss Whedon. They bring me no profit. Just fun.  
**Disclaimer 2:** There are two issues on which my opinion is very adamantly neutral: the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and abortion. If any of the characters in this story say or do anything that may be construed as expressing a particular viewpoint on either of those topics, that viewpoint is not my own, and is not intended to offend anyone. It's just what I think the characters would say/do in the situations I put them in.  
**Warnings:** I was torn about how to rate this. It does deal with some adult subjects, but pretty obliquely. I'm including this warning just incase.  
**Feedback:** Will make me love you forever.

_

* * *

_

_You're scaring me, Giles._

The sun had just risen and already one could tell it would be a beautiful day. Like all days are in Southern California. All the days that aren't filled with smog, pressing down, making it impossible to breathe.

Giles was standing outside his door, trying to decide what to do about Spike. He was wondering if any of the information he may have wasn't worth saving, and if there wouldn't be too many questions when Willow and Xander found out that he had suddenly gone and staked him. He went inside.

_You're scaring me, Giles. You've got a "we need to talk" vibe going on. _

_That's because we do. Need to talk. _

_You gonna tell me it was a mistake? _

_Yes...__  
_

Spike, not surprisingly, was just where he had been left, chained to the bathtub. A strip of duct tape was across his mouth. He raised his eyebrows at Giles when he came in.

Giles remained expressionless and silent as he unlocked the shackles. Then he left.

He heard a faint "Ow," and a moment later, Spike emerged, duct tape-free.

"I strongly advise you, Spike, to not go far," Giles said as the vampire walked across the room to the coat-rack by the door. "In case Buffy has more questions for you, and also that you fully cooperate if and when she does seek you out." Spike finished putting on his black duster and Giles tossed him his blanket. "If you would rather not, then it would be best for you to leave altogether."

"Yeah. Right." Spike scoffed. "You know, Rupert, pretending last night didn't happen won't make it so. Let's talk price."

Giles picked up a silver letter-opener from his desk and lightly traced absent-minded patterns on the blotter. "Price of what?"

"My silence." When Giles looked up at him with a blank expression he continued, "Otherwise I'll tell all your little friends what I overheard last night." He smirked. Still, Giles only looked back at him blankly. Spike rolled his eyes. "It begins with an 'Oh' and ends with a 'Giles.' Kind of makes me blush. Or it would if I was able to blush."

"Oh. Right." Giles nodded.

Spike quirked his eyebrows expectantly.

"I don't care, Spike."

The vampire looked at him askance.

"See, you're under the delusion that I have something left to lose. I don't." He started to slowly make his way to where Spike was standing, letter-opener in hand. "No slayer. No friends. No life. No morals, apparently. No one to tell me, 'Oh, you shouldn't, Giles.'" His eyes had something of a crazy glint to them now.

He threw the letter-opener at Spike's head. The vampire jerked out of the way.

Only not. Giles was still holding the letter-opener, and was laughing to himself. "All I have is a lot of free time."

Spike rolled his eyes, trying to regain his cool after being faked-out. "Yeah. Well, wish I could stay and while away the hours, but..." He opened the door and turned to leave. Then he was being swung around. The back of his head hit the wall with a _crack_ and he yelled in pain; there was a letter opener in his shoulder. Giles turned it slowly.

"Hurt Buffy, Spike. Any way you can think of. Tell her mother I slept with her. Even just look at her the wrong way. I would love to have a reason to punish you. It might have something to do with projection or transference, I'm not sure. I'll have to look it up." Spike was looking at him with actual fear. Giles was impressed with himself. He almost smiled. "Well..." He tore the letter-opener out of Spike's shoulder, turning it down as he did, turning the stab wound into a gash. "Be seeing you."

He didn't need to push Spike out, the vampire was outside as fast as he could be. Giles closed the door behind him.

Then he went to the bathroom and threw up.

_...This is about us. You and me. What do we have to do with history? _

_I'm trying to tell you. Just hear me out, alright? Then you can berate me to your heart's content, but just listen first. Historically speaking it's not uncommon for the slayer and watcher to h-have, um..._

_Sex?_

_An intimate relationship... _

_You're a hypocrite._

_And it's never ended well..._

Giles didn't know what time it was. He had fallen asleep for a few hours and when he had woken up his mind was painfully clear and sharp. He knew it was daytime. There were sunbeams falling on the carpet. He closed the shutters and headed for the liquor cabinet. It wasn't long before he had drunk his way through one bottle and had started on another.

There was knocking. Giles ignored it.

_...After that there are a few cases of watcher and slayer falling in love, but they all followed the same pattern. They became each other's world. As romantic as that may sound, it's not healthy. It always ends in pain and jealousy and tragedy. _

_And you think we'll be the same. Conceited much? _

_Not at all. Nobody is going to approve of me. Your mother will want to kill me. Xander may also. He will certainly be "wigged out," as will Willow. They may very well end up avoiding us. Everywhere we go people will make assumptions about the nature of our relationship. Either that we're father and daughter, or something less flattering. When you run into an old classmate, will you say, 'Oh, you married Johnny from English class? How nice. I'm dating the librarian?' Can you imagine me taking you to a college football game? Or a party? Or coming by your dorm to pick you up Saturday night? You'd be embarassed. I wouldn't blame you. Haven't you always wanted a normal life? You won't have that with me...__  
_

The knocking continued until Giles couldn't stand it anymore and was compelled to answer the door.

It was Willow.

"The world had better be ending." Giles said.

Her face was stony and cold. "Are you leaving?" she asked.

Giles turned from her without answering.

Willow pushed the door open and followed him inside.

"Are you leaving?" she asked again.

"Yes," Giles muttered as he poured another drink.

"Why?"

"None of your business."

"Buffy told me what happened."

"Ah." Giles turned to Willow. She was glaring at him. He walked towards her, smirking sardonically. "I see. But I'm sorry to tell you, Willow, you're still too young for me."

"You're a jerkbag."

"I'm a very bad man."

"How can you act like this? How can you do this to her?"

"I didn't make her do anything," he said, guilt creeping into his voice despite himself.

"I meant leave her."

Giles looked down. "I don't want to..."

"No, I think you do," she said indignantly. "I think you're taking the easy out..."

Giles turned to her, surprised, anger flashing in his eyes. "You think this is easy for me?"

She continued over him, volume rising, "...instead of staying and living with the consequences of what you did!"

"What am I supposed to do?" he yelled. "I can't make it right. She won't ever want to see me again, will she?" he finished pathetically.

A sympathetic look crossed Willow's face momentarily before she masked it again. "No. There's nothing you can do. But she needs you. You don't get to run back to England and restart your life and leave her here to die because the next time the world is ending there's no one around to read the ancient text that tells her how to stop it."

She spoke quietly, but what she said affected Giles as if she had yelled it.

"Right. I...I'm sorry. I didn't think..."

"Well that's pretty damn obvious." Willow turned to go, leaving Giles even more guilty than he had been before. She paused at the door. "And Giles, incase she does come around?"

He looked up at her, abject and miserable.

Her eyes were ice. "Might be a good idea for you to be sober."

_You won't have that with me. You'll only have vampires and demons and death. _

_Maybe I think you're worth it. _

_I don't. I don't think you really do either._

That was when she hit him.

He wouldn't see her. Maybe he'd never talk to her again. But he couldn't leave.


	2. Olivia

Giles picked up the phone on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hullo Rupert."

He was more disappointed than he logically should have been. He had known it wouldn't be her. "Olivia. Why are you calling?"

"Could you try sounding a little less overjoyed?" 

"Sorry, I... it's been an off day."

"I'm coming to California next week. I might drop by for a couple of days. Thought I'd give you some warning this time."

"Oh. Oh, um, a-alright. That would be fine."

"Good. I also wanted to ask you something."

"Yes?" 

"I ran into an old mate of yours the other day..."

"And?"

"What's a watcher?"

xxx

Willow got his answering service, which was fine with her because she didn't want to talk to him again any time soon if she could help it.

"Hi. Calling to say I told Buffy about our talk. Also, that we decided your fight was nothing earth-shattering, but just enough that you came to a mutual agreement to keep your distance from each other for a while. In case Xander asks. Bye." Willow hung up. 

Buffy was laying flat on her bed, hugging her pillow to her chest. "You forgot to tell him to go to hell," she said. 

"I was going for disdainful. Like he isn't even worth the time it takes to condemn him to sulphury eternal pain." Willow sat on her own bed, facing her friend. "Sorry." 

"'Sokay. You're right. He isn't worth it. Totally. Not worth it." Her voice quavered. She had to whisper to keep it from cracking. "God, I wish I could hate him more." 

Willow got up and sat by her friend's side. She stroked Buffy's hair until her breathing steadied again.

"Is the day over yet?" 

Willow glanced at the clock. "It's two-twenty-seven."

"You're missing psych." 

"So are you." 

"I don't care." 

"Riley will get notes for us."

"He's dependable like that," Buffy said after a moment.

"Buffy," Willow said tentatively, "I think maybe you should avoid men for a while." 

"I know."

xxx

Generally, Olivia was an excellent judge of character. There was one time, though, about six years ago, when she met a fellow in a pub who was just so charming that she brought him home with her despite the twinge in her gut that told her he wasn't all right. She ignored it until his face went all wrinkly and he tried to bite her. She managed to get away from him somehow and ran away, out of her apartment and into the hall and right into Giles, who (as he told her afterward) had felt like dropping by. He was very chivalrous about it, pulling a stake and cross out from his jacket and taking her attacker on. He ended up with a black eye and split lip, and the vampire ended up dust. That was when Olivia found out about vampires, although Giles never told her how he knew about them. She avoided him for the next few months after that. She had to; the white knight type was all too easy to fall for.

When Olivia stood outside his door a week after he told her about watchers and slayers, she wondered if Giles remembered that he saved her life that time, or if killing vampires was so commonplace for him now that he didn't think anything of it.

When he opened the door he looked like he didn't remember her at all, or at least didn't remember why she was standing on his doorstep. But then he smiled blurrily. "Hello Olivia." He stepped aside to let her in.

She looked at him askance. He hadn't shaved or combed his hair for a couple of days, and his clothes were wrinkly, like they'd been slept in. After he closed the door he stood too close to her and she could smell the alcohol on him. "You've been drinking." Olivia was disappointed. She had seen him like this a couple of times before. It was never fun.

"Just a bit," he said in a low voice, leaning in to kiss her.

She backed away from him. "Very not sexy, Rupert."

"Call me Giles."

He tried to kiss her again. She backed into the door. She felt his hands on her hips, holding her in place.

"Get off me." She knocked his arms away.

He pushed her against the door again. "Come on." 

She kicked his shin as hard as she could.

"Ow. Bloody..."

Olivia got away from him and stood in the middle of the room. He was leaning back against the wall, leg bent, holding his shin.

"What's wrong with you?"

He looked up at her like he didn't know what she was talking about. Then his eyes widened with comprehension. "Oh God." He looked more shocked with himself than Olivia was. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh God..." 

She watched him for a moment. He looked thoroughly miserable.

"Go take a cold shower. I'll make you some coffee." 

Giles nodded and walked to the bathroom, limping slightly.

Olivia looked around. The apartment didn't appear to be so much a mess as on a steady path towards chaos. A week's worth of newspapers were piled haphazardly by the door, unread. Next to them was a small city of empty liquor bottles. There were also a few bottles and tumblers left randomly around the living room. Everything needed to be dusted. The kitchen was the worst. The cupboards were emptied of clean dishes. Some of the dirty ones that covered the counter looked like they had been used twice. Olivia sighed and filled up the sink with hot water and soap. 

When Giles came out of the shower in his terricloth robe, Olivia had a pot of strong black coffee ready, and the apartment was halfway to being clean. She sat down with him at the coffee table.

"So. What's the crisis?"

Giles opened his mouth to tell her, but then closed it again. He ran his hand over his face and tried again. "Can it wait until my brain is working again?" he finally said. He tried for a wry smile, but it was a pathetic attempt.

"Fine. We'll talk tomorrow." 

"Thank you," he said softly. He got to his feet. "I'll take your things upstairs for you." 

"Don't bother."

Giles looked at Olivia, vaguely puzzled.

"I'm sleeping down here," she continued.

He blinked. Then he was the proper English gentleman again. "'Course you aren't. I am."

xxx

It was a mistake. It didn't matter that it would be either impossible or inefficient to communicate with him any way other than face-to-face, or that the entire town losing their voices was a situation that required Buffy to communicate with her watcher. It was a mistake to come, she knew. As soon as she stepped inside the apartment she felt flooded...  
_  
__Her mouth on his, back of his neck hot to touch, "Oh my God I'm kissing Giles," his tongue in her mouth, "Oh, God, he's kissing me..."__  
_  
Her eyes searched for something to settle on that wouldn't remind her...

_Hands gripping her arms, shoulders pinned, hard against the wall, sharp gasp, almost-cry, "I can't hurt you," "No," "Didn't think so..."__  
_  
Xander was on the sofa with Anya. For that moment she hated Xander just a little, because he told her Giles knew it was wrong. He knew it was wrong; then why did he give in? When she said, breathless, "Let's do that again," why did he smile like that and take her upstairs?

She looked down. The floor made her think of finding her clothes in the morning, nervous already, while he changed into a clean outfit upstairs.

She raised her head as he was coming in. She felt the kind of hatred rising in her gut that made her want to tear his head off, hang it from the ceiling and use it as a punching bag; but then their eyes met. In a moment shock, joy, desire, hope, sorrow, guilt, penetance and anxiety flashed through his eyes, and Buffy could see each emotion and name it. She knew his eyes so well now. She wondered what he was reading in hers, if he could see that if only he came to her, and kissed her once and told her he loved her then she could forgive him and everything would be all right. Or that she was forgiving him already and just wanted so desperately for him to hold her.

She heard footsteps and turned around. Olivia was coming down the stairs.

Buffy wanted to die.

xxx

Averted eyes, stiff posture, allowing for more than enough personal space, not to mention the way Buffy looked at her when she came downstairs; Olivia wondered if Giles thought she hadn't picked up on any of it, or if he just didn't care.

She waited about two minutes after Buffy and her friend left and then walked her fingers across the page of the book Giles currently seemed to be engrossed in. He looked up and Olivia pointed to herself and then to the door. Giles nodded to show he understood and turned back to his research.

Once outside, Olivia started off at a jog, but she didn't have to worry about catching up. She found Buffy and her redheaded friend behind the ivy-covered wall on the way out of the complex. Olivia stopped short. The girls looked at her with wide, surprised eyes. Buffy wiped the tears from her face with her hand.

Olivia waved awkwardly.

The redhead frowned at her.

She pointed at her dry-wipe board.

She took it off from around her neck and handed it to Olivia.

_Giles is an idiot,_ Olivia wrote.

The redhead looked at her suspiciously. "He send you?" she mouthed.

Olivia shook her head. "No." _Told me nothing. Figured it out. __  
_  
Buffy's face fell even more, like she was ashamed of being so easy to read.

Olivia wiped the board clean. _He's severely depressed._

"Good," Buffy mouthed. 

The redhead nodded.

Olivia wasn't surprised. She underlined "severely" three times. Then she drew an arrow pointing down and a spiral.

The girls frowned, concerned and looked at Olivia curiously.

She wiped the board clean again. _Drinking a lot. Not taking care of himself_. Then she added,_ I think... nothing to live for._

Buffy looked up at her. "You?"

Olivia shook her head. "No one has me." She wiped the board off and wrote, _We didn't sleep together last night, by the way._

Buffy's expression seemed to clear. She seemed to almost smile.

"I'm worried for him." Olivia mouthed.

Buffy nodded, understanding. "Thank you."

Olivia nodded back and waved goodbye. She walked back inside.

Giles was still reading at his desk.

She walked over and picked up his pencil. She wrote on his notepad, _I like you far too much. _

He read what she wrote, and looked up at her with a faint smile, though his eyes still looked empty.

Olivia leaned over and kissed him deeply.

xxx

Buffy thought about what Olivia told her that night, and about the way Riley had kissed her, so unexpectedly, and about the possibility that men weren't all bad and the possibility of moving on.

The next day Buffy approached Giles as he was gathering up his transparencies and books after he had told them all about the Gentlemen. She tapped him on the arm and he turned. He looked surprised and anxious and faintly hopeful. Hoping that she looked stoic, Buffy extended her arm to him, offering her hand. His eyes went from her hand to her face and he looked so very happy in such a sad way. He took her hand and shook it politely. Then he nodded to her. She waved goodbye and left.


	3. Birthdays

Buffy reluctantly got up from her bed. She just wanted to continue lying there in the dim of the twilight, but there was someone knocking persistantly at her door. It was Riley.

"Hey, Buffy, you weren't in class today. Again. Walsh is ready to throw the book at you."

"I have a doctor's note."

"Are you all right? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine now."

"Well," he quirked a smile, "since you don't have anything contagious, and the night is young..." He reached out to touch her shoulder.

She tensed. He drew his hand back.

"What's wrong?" He asked, worried.

"Nothing. Really. I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling myself." She forced a smile. "But yeah, it's not contagious." She pulled on the front of his shirt and drew him towards her.

Buffy was about to close the door when she heard someone running down the hall. She and Riley looked and saw Willow jogging up to them.

"We got trouble," she said between gasps for breath.

"What is it?" Buffy asked.

"I was in the rec room. It came through the window."

"Vampire?" Riley asked.

"Vampires don't breath fire."

Buffy was glad to have something to fight, something that sounded like it would be hard to kill.

There wasn't a fire-breathing anything in the rec room, however. Just a surprise party.

xxx

The party appeared to be going well. Everyone was milling about and eating and having a good time. Except for Giles, but he was all right with that, he hadn't expected that he would enjoy himself. However he was starting to wish that he had brought a book to read. Fortunately, he saw Willow headed his way.

"Hi Giles," she said, offering him a piece of cake and an awkward smile.

"Hello Willow," he said, taking the cake from her.

"Still think you shouldn't've come?" she asked, half-teasing.

Giles was grateful for her good humour. "I wish I could answer 'no,' but you can hardly say I'm contributing to the party spirit, and I'm still far from convinced that keeping up appearances for Xander and Anya's sake constitutes a valid excuse for an invitation."

"I invited you because Buffy wanted you to come," Willow said sincerely. "Or, she would've if she had known we were throwing a party."

"What makes you say that?"

"She told a joke the other day, you laughed, I noticed. You're approaching normalcy."

"Approaching at a distance, maybe, and at a very slow pace," he said, but Willow could see him almost-smile. He knew it was true, he just didn't want to take it for granted. "I notice you've stopped scowling at me."

Willow nodded in confirmation. "I take my cues from Buffy, and since she's inclined towards forgiveness, I am too. Also, two solid months of guilt-face from you does win some sympathy points. I'm not a total stone-cold witch, you know."

Giles almost-laughed.

"Oh, don't stop. I can still change my mind."

His face fell and he looked at her like she was being serious.

"I kid you, Giles."

"Oh."

She looked sympathetic. "You don't deserve to be mopey forever. Me and Xander had that thing that wreaked havoc with our lives, and we went through the guilt and pain, and we're still friends, and Oz forgave me," a distant look crossed her eyes for a moment, "and Cordelia, uh... didn't hate Xander... that much... I don't think." She trailed off.

"Thank you, Willow. I'll keep that in mind. But I think I still have some guilt and pain to work through before I can move on."

Willow nodded. "I get you. Say, speaking of moving on, what do you think of Riley?"

"Who?"

"Buffy's boyfriend, Riley, and she didn't tell you about him yet did she?" she continued, seeing surprise and hurt register on his face. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm-I'm glad you told me," he said, calling upon his British reserve. "Um, what do you think of him?"

"He's a fine, upstanding young man." Willow smiled. "Really. I felt kind of bad for him at first, him being rebound guy, but I think they'll work out. He's good for her."

"Good," Giles said sincerely. "Then I'm happy for her."

x

Giles didn't talk to Buffy until later in the evening. He was standing by the dessert platter when she came up to him.

"Hi Giles," she said.

"Buffy. Happy Birthday." He nodded to her.

"Thanks."

"So, nineteen..." he started politely.

"Yeah. Hard to believe I've been a grown-up for just a year, huh?" She said with a child-like enthusiasm.

"Uh, indeed."

"But then, I'll always be a girl to you, right?"

"Um..." Giles was sure he heard an underlying note of bitterness in Buffy's voice and couldn't think of what he possibly could have done that she would suddenly abandon the polite dialogue they had gradually developed over the past weeks.

"Anyways," she said dismissively. "There's somebody I want you to meet. This is Riley Finn, my boyfriend."

She beckoned forward the young man that had been standing a few feet behind her and he shook Giles' hand.

"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Giles. Did you help plan this? It was quite a surprise."

Giles thought Willow's evaluation of Riley couldn't have been more accurate. He was the very definition of all-American boy-next-door. "It was mostly Willow and Xander, actually." Giles smiled politely and took a shortbread cookie from the dessert tray. "Willow was just telling me good things about you."

Riley looked modestly pleased. Buffy looked slightly taken aback by Giles' reaction.

"Giles was the librarian at my high school," she said. "He was like a dad to me."

Giles choked a little on his shortbread.

"Uh oh." Riley smiled, good-naturedly. "Are you going to make me declare my intentions? Because I can assure you, they're all very honourable."

"I-I-I, um, I'm sure."

Riley's tone was completely sincere, but Buffy rolled her eyes and looked up at him with a sly smile. He didn't notice, though Giles did. He took off his glasses and started polishing them.

"Do you need something to drink?" Buffy asked.

"Please," Giles said gratefully, replacing his glasses.

"I'll get you something," Riley offered. "Preferences?"

"No."

"Nothing spiked," Buffy said.

Riley blinked and his eyes darted quickly to Giles before he nodded and turned towards the buffet table.

Giles seemed frozen with embarrassment.

Buffy didn't seem to mind the silence between them and let it stretch on.

"He seems nice," Giles finally said.

"He is," Buffy said, as she followed Riley with her eyes. "Nice in every way."

"Um, h-how long have you been dating?"

"About two months."

"Oh. That long?" Giles sounded faintly hurt despite himself.

Buffy smiled. "Yeah. Compared to my recent record it's an eternity."

Giles noticed Riley being waylaid by Willow before he took off his glasses and started polishing them again.

"Thanks for coming, by the way," Buffy said.

"Well, Willow said you wouldn't mind."

"Yeah, it's been a while since I last saw you out of a watchery context."

Against his will, Giles' mind started turning up memories of that last occasion. He averted his eyes from Buffy, feeling guiltier than he had in weeks.

"Don't feel like you have to stay, though," Buffy continued. "I mean, if you feel skeezy hanging out with all these kids, you can go."

"Right. I suppose I will then," Giles said, promptly taking her hint, his voice quavering ever so slightly. "Happy Birthday." He nodded formally and left.

Moments later, Buffy was joined by Willow and Riley. "Oh, did Giles leave?" Willow asked.

"Yeah. You know, this isn't really his scene."

"I guess not. How are you feeling, by the way? What did the doctor say it was?"

"Food poisoning. That's all. Already got it out of my system."


	4. Trouble

When Riley walked Buffy back to her room after the party, he linked his arm with hers. Buffy thought it old-fashioned and charming.

"You have some really great friends," he was saying.

"I know."

"And It was nice to meet Mr. Giles. Are he and your mom...?" Riley asked conversationally.

"What?" It was a moment before Buffy realized what Riley was asking. "Oh. No. I mean, they did kinda have a thing but that was... They're just friends. Kind of."

"I just thought, 'cause you said he was like a dad."

"No, he's, um, h-he's my watcher. Part of the slayer package, free mentor included."

"Oh. Neat. Am I going to meet your mother soon?"

Buffy looked at Riley skeptically. He sounded almost eager. "You want to?"

"Yeah. I do," he said sincerely. They reached Buffy's door and stopped outside. "And, you know, if you ever feel like seeing the great state of Iowa, you're invited the next time I go home. It's not completely boring. I think you'd like my folks, and I'd really like them to meet you..." Riley trailed off, seeing Buffy bite her lip and bow her head. "Hey, what's the matter?"

"I don't deserve you," she murmured, not raising her head to meet his eyes.

Riley laughed. "What? Don't be stupid."

"You're a better person than me."

"Where'd you get that idea?"

Buffy opened her mouth to speak a few times, and changed her mind. "I don't know," she finally said.

Riley was studying her face seriously now. There were tears running down it. "Buffy, you're the best person I know, that I've ever known. I don't know what's gotten into you, but if you think you did something wrong it won't change that. You're that far ahead of everybody else."

"What if I did do something really, really bad?" Buffy spoke so quietly Riley could barely hear her.

"No," he said with conviction. "I don't think you ever could, not _really_ bad. You'd never _want_ to hurt anybody, would you? Never have malicious intent."

Buffy raised her head a little; she seemed to be considering what he was saying.

"And even if you did, I don't think it would change what I think of you," he continued seriously. "Whatever you do, you still have the truest heart of anyone I've ever known."

Buffy looked up at his face, studying it for any signs of uncertainty or insincerity and finding none. "I love you."

The next night Willow had a sleep-over/spell session with her friend from the wicca group. Riley spent the night with Buffy.

xxx

Giles knocked on Buffy's door. He hoped she wouldn't be annoyed with him calling on her so early, but he wanted to catch her before she left for class.

"Giles. Something wrong?" She said upon opening the door.

"Nothing urgent, yet. Um..."

Buffy wasn't letting him in.

Riley appeared behind her. "Morning Mr. Giles," he said pleasantly. "Are there HSTs afoot?"

"Uh," Giles kicked himself mentally for not waiting until afternoon. "Perhaps. What?"

"Hostile Sub-Terrestrials. Official government designation for demons."

"Ah. Yes." Giles nodded. He noticed that Riley's outfit and what he could see of the bedclothes were very neat, and he relaxed a little, though his embarrassment was soon replaced with a twinge of suspicion he couldn't help feeling towards Riley, in light of the information he had just recently heard from Ethan Rayne. "Willow told me about your involvement with, um, that organization."

"Hey Giles."

Giles turned around and saw Willow standing there with a backpack and a rolled-up sleeping bag under her arm.

"You guys talking about me?"

"Tangentially," Giles said.

"More of a monster talk," Buffy elaborated.

"Ooh, we've got monsters?"

"Um, not monsters _per se_..."

"Well, let's take this party inside," Willow said, making her way past Buffy and into her room. "C'mon in," she said to Giles, and he followed her.

"How was the wicca p.j. party?" Buffy asked as Willow dropped her sleeping bag and backpack onto the floor by her bed.

"Spelltacular. Hi Riley."

"Good morning Willow."

"Hey, hospital corners," Willow said, pointing to Buffy's bed and giving her a funny look. "That's obsessive-compulsive."

Buffy subtly raised an eyebrow at her friend.

One could see the cogs working in Willow's mind as her eyes traveled from Buffy, to Riley, to the bed. "Or maybe barracks-like." She bit back a smile.

Giles was staring very hard at the floor, trying to not think about hospital corners and wishing very much that he had waited until the afternoon to come by.

"Hey, I was just going to go on a coffee and muffin run. Can I get you guys anything?" Riley offered.

"Ooh! Mocha please."

Riley nodded in confirmation and turned to Giles. "Mr. Giles?"

"These things never take that long," Buffy answered for him. "Don't bother."

"Thanks for offering," Giles added with a weak smile.

After Riley left, Buffy crossed her arms and turned to Giles. "So, why the house call? We got trouble?"

"With a capital 'T?'" Willow added.

Giles inclined his head towards her. "And that rhymes with 'E'"

"And that stands for...?"

"Ethan Rayne. I, uh, ran into him last night..."

"What's he got up his sleazy sleeve this time?" Buffy asked.

"Um, nothing, from what I could discern. We went for drinks, actually, w-without the, um, actual, uh, drinking on my side, of course, since, uh..." Giles trailed off awkwardly. Buffy was looking at him impatiently. "Well, he had some information."

"Legitimate information?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Ostensibly. He said there were rumours in the, um, underworld, about something that's harming demons that's not the Slayer..."

"The Initiative?" Willow asked.

"Most likely." Giles nodded. "They've got the demons running scared, admirably, but they're also fueling malcontent. Their, uh, practices are allegedly throwing the magical world off balance. He said there's a conflict building. There's especially apprehension surrounding something called 314."

Willow raised her eyebrows in interest. "A code-name?"

"Perhaps. Ethan is far from a reliable source, but I'm not sure he's wrong about this."

"Sounds like it merits investigation."

"Yeah. Maybe. But why couldn't this info be relayed by phone?" Buffy asked bluntly.

Giles was taken aback. He had come to see her in person in the hope that she would be as conciliatory as she had been before her party, and if not, he would ask her what he had done wrong. But he didn't ask that. "Uh, well, I-I-I was in the area, a-and..."

"Giles, the whole town is in the area. I don't want you hanging around here. It looks weird."

Giles just stared at Buffy for a moment, hurt evident on his face. Then he blinked and looked away. "Uh, r-right. Sorry." He nodded goodbye to Willow and promptly left the room, his head bowed and his shoulders hunched in embarrassment.

Willow was shocked by her friend's behaviour. "That was really harsh."

Buffy's face was expressionless. "He deserves it."

xxx

It was always the same.

She was strapped down. Trapped. She couldn't feel her body. The flourescent lights were harsh. She could hear people, murmuring, but couldn't make out what they were saying. She could hear the hum of an electric motor, and couldn't see where it was coming from. She didn't want to see it. She heard a voice near her, a voice slick with uncaring comfort. The speaker leaned over her, she could see his face, and she wondered why he wasn't wearing a surgical mask before she realized he was a vampire, and then he was already biting her. She felt her blood being drained away.

She was floating, suspended in air that was heavy with age. From the thick darkness that surrounded her indistinct shapes emerged that became men in long robes with turned up hoods. They were chanting in a weird language, nasal and guttural at the same time. She could feel the chant resonating in her bones.

She was engulfed in light, being burned from the inside by a terrible fire. She had never felt more alive. In that moment she felt perfect and like everything would be all right.

Then she was back under the fluorescent lights again and she couldn't feel at all. She overheard one of the voices say, "Tenth girl in a row. You owe me five bucks."

This time the dream had a new ending.

A white, floating bed sheet. Her own room, in her own house. And there was Faith. They were making her bed together like sisters.

"I had forgotten how good they smell," Buffy said.

"What?"

"Clean sheets. Like summer..."

xxx

"Well, don't worry about it. I'll patrol tonight. As long as it takes. You guys have your fun. I'll be out there doing my job," Buffy said.

For the first time in a month, she and Giles had met, and she hadn't said anything painfully cutting to him. He noticed this, but didn't allow himself to hope that it meant they were back on the track to reconciliation. She was probably just distracted by her ordeal with Faith and had forgotten to make a point of insulting him. At any rate, Giles had been working himself up to doing this, and he was going to go through with it.

"Buffy, uh, c-c-can I, uh, a-actually h-have a, uh, word w-with you, um, alone?"

"S-s-sure Giles," she replied with a quizzical look.

Willow, Xander and Anya said their goodbyes and filed out. Buffy ordered them with aggressive cheerfulness to "have fun" one last time before the door closed. Then she turned to Giles.

"What's the what?" she asked.

Giles took a breath and asked her straight out, "Do you want me to leave?"

Buffy stared at him. "What makes you think I want that?" She finally asked.

"I don't know what else you could want from me," he said, sounding helpless. "I would do anything you want, and I'll stay as long as I can be of some use to you, but you obviously can't stand to have me around, so I don't see the point."

Buffy nodded. "Why do you think I'm like that?" she asked carefully.

He blinked, somewhat surprised by her question and shrugged. "I-I don't know. I thought we were getting better, approaching normalcy again." He paused thoughtfully before continuing. "If now that you're with Riley and you want to forget completely, if my being here reminds you, I wouldn't blame you for wanting me gone. I just want to know."

"Forget?" Buffy frowned in confusion. Then her eyes widened for a moment and Giles could almost swear that she looked like she was fighting back a laugh. "I don't want to forget," she said.

"What?"

"You're right." Buffy nodded. "That Riley totally messed me up. 'Cause, you know, it's not like I _don't _like Riley, I mean, hello beefcake." She smirked. Then her expression became completely serious. She dropped her head and looked at Giles intensely from underneath her eyelashes. "But it's nothing like how I feel about you."

"What?" Giles seemed frozen.

Buffy was slowly coming towards him, a predatory smile playing on her lips. "You're my watcher."

Giles backed away from her, looking at her suspiciously. "Um, y-yes, I am aware of that."

"You'd do anything for me..." Her eyes were travelling all over him; she was studying him with a self-satisfied look on her face, like he was a present for her, a new toy. "'Cause I'm Buffy."

He felt the back of his legs hit the armchair. She kept coming towards him until she was standing so close he could feel her chest rise and fall with each breath. His own breathing was shallow. She slowly ran her hands up his chest. He was sure his heart rate was speeding up.

He was very confused. "Wh-what are you doing?"

She looked up at him with big, doe eyes. "I was confused before. If I freaked out and was mean to you, I 'm sorry." She pushed him back into the chair and straddled his lap, her knees on either side of his hips. "I want to make it up to you."

His eyes were wide with shock. "You don't..." he started before she tore off his glasses and tossed them onto the couch. "Um, don't--"

She kissed him, hungrily, violently. He didn't try to fight her, and he couldn't have if he wanted to.

"I don't want to make the same mistake again," he said as soon as he got the chance to breathe.

"Oh, did I make you guilty?" She shook her head as if she couldn't believe herself. "Isn't that just like me?"

Giles just looked confusedly back.

She smiled. "Hey, no worries, watcher-mine." She went for his neck, his ear. He moaned a little despite himself. She whispered to him, "It's not your mistake to make. _I'm_ the _slayer_." She pulled back from him, her eyes flashing. "You can't make me do anything." She straightened her posture so that she was looking down at him, looking him over like she was imagining all sorts of possibilities. "There's not a thing I can't make you do."

For that moment he was frightened of her. Then she was kissing him again.

He thought she was like the ocean, how she never stopped moving; no part of her was ever still, and he was getting caught up in her; in kissing her; in the feel of her body.

"You'd do anything for me, right?" she said between kisses.

"Mm hm..." Then he seemed to come back to himself. He pulled back from her as much as he could and looked at her gravely. "But i-i-it's..."

"Wh-wh-what?" She cocked her head at him. "It's wrong?"

Giles nodded, though he was looking at her like he was dearly hoping she would say she didn't care.

"Oh yeah." Buffy pouted. She leaned away from him and sighed petulantly. "Well, too bad." She got off him and headed for the door. "Catch you later!" she called back casually before she left.

Giles stayed in a shocked silence, completely still, for a good five minutes. Then he went to the phone and called Willow. He got her answering machine.

"Hello, Willow. This is Giles, please call me as soon as you get the chance. I'm, uh, I-I'm concerned about Buffy. I don't think she's, uh, quite herself."

x

Buffy stood outside the church by herself. She was waiting for Riley, who was helping the emergency teams check on all the parishioners. She heard footsteps behind her. She knew they were Giles', she recognized them. She didn't turn around, even when he spoke.

"How are you feeling?" he asked carefully.

"Icky."

"I suppose having someone else inside one's body would make one feel that way."

"How did you know she wasn't me?"

"She didn't act like you," Giles said, glancing up at the bright sky. There weren't any clouds at all.

"No one else noticed anything..." Buffy trailed off. She looked at Giles askance.

He appeared to be very interested in the pattern of the cracks in the sidewalk. "Maybe I know you better than everyone else," he said quietly.

"Yeah, you do." She smirked derisively. "How far d'you get with her?"

Giles' jaw tightened. His whole figure tensed up, like a dog who had been kicked too many times and was ready to bite back. He raised his eyes to meet Buffy's. "Not as far as I got with you."

She hit him. He staggered, but didn't fall over. He shook his head as if to clear it of stars and glared at Buffy. He was surprised to see her not righteously angered, but blinking back tears, looking like a little girl who had been hurt.

"Buffy, I'm sorry..."

"Go to hell," she spat, and walked away.

xxx

"Are you sure that's the move you want to make?"

"Yes."

"Because you can still take it back."

"I moved the piece there because that's where I want it. That's my move."

"Well, if you're sure..." Jonathan said and moved his knight forward. "Checkmate."

"Oh." Giles sighed resignedly and leaned back in the big red armchair to stare broodingly into the fire.

"Are you feeling all right, Rupert?"

"I could use a drink," Giles said dryly.

"Humphrey," Jonathan waved his butler over. "Bring us a straight scotch on the rocks?" He looked to Giles for confirmation.

Giles blinked, a bit taken aback and nodded once.

"And a brandy." Jonathan continued.

"Um, I, uh, I-I don't know if I should..." Giles said nervously after Humphrey left.

"You've been dry for what, three months?"

"And three weeks," he said, embarrassed.

"How are your nerves?"

Giles smirked sardonically. "Shot to hell."

"Moderation is key in all things," Jonathan said sagely, turning up the collar of his velvet smoking jacket. "Everyone needs to have fun now and then. Just, you know, don't go on a bender." He smiled.

Giles almost laughed and nodded thoughtfully.

When Humphrey brought their drinks, they raised their glasses to each other.

"So," Jonathan said, leaning back in his chair and swirling his brandy, "how's your Buffy dilemma?"

Giles' eyes widened in surprise. "Uh, erm... h-h-how..."

"Don't worry." Jonathan smiled consolingly. "I don't think anyone else has noticed a significant downturn in your relationship. I'm just a bit more observant than your average bear."

"Oh, of course," Giles said, relieved. "Um, frankly? It was as bad as it could get. And then it got worse."

Jonathan nodded sympathetically.

"I-I don't know what I did. I don't know what I can do. I want to be whatever she needs me to be, but I don't think she wants me around at all." He stared morosely into his tumbler. "She despises me."

"She doesn't despise you."

Giles laughed joylessly and was going to say something sarcastic, but Jonathan was looking at him with such an air of sagely wisdom that it was impossible to believe that he didn't know the exact truth of Buffy's heart.

"I don't know what happened between you and her," Jonathan continued. "But I do know that no one's ever acquitted a man who's acted guilty."

"No one's ever punched him in the jaw either," Giles muttered.

"I'm not advising you to talk smack to the slayer, Rupert. Just don't go sulking around like you deserve every bad thing that gets thrown at you. You're making every interaction with her about whether she's going to forgive or condemn you. You can't expect her to respond well to pressure like that."

Giles frowned thoughtfully.

"And don't you go feeling guilty about that now, either." Jonathan continued. "You have to forgive yourself and get back to life. Give her the time and space she needs to get over whatever happened and decide for herself if she can forgive you."

Giles thought about Jonathan's words for a moment. "You're right," he finally said. "Thank you."

"The relationship between watcher and slayer is a very special bond," Jonathan said wisely. "I'm sure you and Buffy will pull through."

xxx

All the songs Giles could think of to play were depressing. And not the kind of depressing that gets one's own depression out. The kind of depressing that makes one even more depressed. He gave up on the guitar for the night.

He sat there for a moment. Staring. He had nothing else to do.

There was a knock on his door and he jumped to get it.

"Oh, hello, Spike." He said, disappointed. "What do you want?"

"Looking for your girl. Got some information for her. She's not around, is she?"

"No."

"Yeah, she never is these days. Don't suppose you know where I can find her either, do you."

"No."

"Probably off getting snuggly with that trained gorilla of hers." Spike smirked. "They make such a cute couple."

Giles closed the door on him without answering. He turned towards the apartment, leaned back against the wall and sank to the floor. His apartment seemed so very big, and dark, and empty.

xxx

"Buffy, you can't go back alone," Willow insisted, protesting against Buffy's plan to do some recon on Adam.

"So she doesn't go alone," Xander said. "Giles, weapons all around."

"I think the planning should come before the weaponry," Giles answered.

"You're not going, Xander," Buffy said, talking over Giles. "You'd get hurt."

"Oh. Okay. You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred."

"Excuse me. I may be crusty, but I'm not yet deaf."

"Willow is not going either," Buffy said.

"Alfred was more useful than me, anyways," Giles muttered to himself.

"I'm doing it alone," Buffy continued.

"Oh, great. And then when you have your new 'no arms' we can all say 'Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that!'"

"Willow has a point." Giles said. "You can't just go in there, half-baked. 'Let's go have a look-see' is not a sensible plan."

"We don't have time for grand-strategy, Giles. You might get that impression from doing nothing all day, but we don't."

"Hey, Giles, maybe you can get a job with my helpful clothing delivery." Xander turned to Buffy. "Want some fighting pants, Buff? We can get ya some new fighting pants."

"You guys, this isn't helping."

"I'm ready to help." Giles said defensively. "Just tell me what the bloody hell is going on once in a while, and I can help."

Buffy rounded on him. "I don't want _your_ help, Giles. That's why I don't ask for it. Ever think of that? I don't want you, so just stay out of it."

Giles just stared for a moment, shocked by Buffy's vehemence. Then he turned and left, slamming his apartment door behind him. He paced in front of the fountain before settling down to sulk. The sky was grey and oppressive.

It wasn't long before Buffy stormed out.

"What happened?" Giles asked, standing up.Buffy didn't stop or turn around. "None of your business."

He grabbed her arm. She jerked it violently out of his grasp.

"If it affects the fate of the world then that _is_ my business." Giles said.

"Since when?"

"Umm... _always_." Giles said sarcastically.

Buffy scoffed "Not lately."

"Because you've been keeping me in the dark."

"I don't want your help!"

"I'm still your watcher!"

"No," Buffy said bitterly. "You stopped being my watcher when you slept with me."

Giles' expression hardened. "Then why did I have to stick around after?"

Buffy blinked, shocked. "You lousy creep."

Giles could hear her voice cracking, but he was angry enough not to care. "I asked you to go home, if you remember, not to go to bed with me. If I'm a creep, what are you?"

Buffy hit him, but not nearly as hard as the last time. She was shaking, her eyes were full of tears. "You goddamn bastard, you were supposed to be responsible! You were the adult!"

"You were eighteen!" Giles shouted back. "And the slayer! There was nothing that we did that it wasn't completely within your power to stop."

"You were my watcher! You were supposed to look after me, I _trusted_ you!"

"Then why the hell didn't you listen to me?"

Buffy rolled her eyes as she wiped the tears from her face. "I thought you were in love with me."

Giles stared. "Oh, bloody goddamn hell."

"I know, you just wanted me," she said bitterly.

"And I told you as much before hand! It was as much your fault--"

"No! No, I trusted you and you used me--"

"I stayed because I care about you! Because I thought you needed me and I could help you!" Giles yelled. "Not to be your goddamned whipping boy! I would have done _anything_ you asked of me, but I am not going to be the one to carry your guilt anymore." And he turned and walked away before she had the chance to answer.

Buffy watched with wide, shocked eyes as he left the courtyard. Her breathing was shallow, she was hyperventilating, but she didn't let herself cry. She went back inside. Willow and Xander seemed to have left through the back. She made her way to the living room, where she curled up on the sofa and broke down in sobs.

x

The next day Buffy left a message on Giles' answering machine. Her voice was flat and emotionless. "I have an idea about Adam. I need your help."

Throughout their mission against Adam and the Initiative, Buffy and Giles acted completely professional towards one another, though they didn't actually speak to each other more than they had to, and didn't look at each other at all.

After Adam's defeat, Willow and Xander insisted that Giles join their video party. They were all so up on the adrenaline high from the battle and the spell, Giles thought it possible that Buffy might not even mind his presence that much. After their experience with the First Slayer, however, after they had all come down, Giles decided he would go home.

He was putting on his jacket when Buffy came from the dining room, where Willow and Xander still were, and turned up the stairs without acknowledging Giles at all.

"Buffy..." he found himself calling to her, softly. She turned around and looked down at him. Her face looked empty. "I-I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. And for everything I said that was, um, unduly cruel. But I still meant what I said. I'm not going to act the guilty party anymore."

Buffy nodded. "I know. But I can't forgive you. I just can't."

Giles felt like he had been stabbed through the chest. He had to take a moment to compose himself before he looked up at Buffy again. "So, what do you propose we do?"

"I think you should leave."

Giles nodded. "Alright."


	5. The Great Pretender

There were a lot of smog alerts that August. In past summers they made Buffy bitter. It was bad enough that Sunnydale was on a Hellmouth without them having to deal with the pollution blown in from LA. She didn't mind this year. They gave Buffy an excuse to stay inside all day. She'd take books to room, tell her mom she was getting a head start on next semester's readings, and spend the day in bed, staring at the ceiling.

She thought a lot about death and what might come after, of how many heavens and hells there might be, and if what a person did in this life really did have anything to do with where they ended up in the next one. Sometimes she hoped it did, because that must mean that the souls of those who never even had the chance to sin must be in the best place of all. Other times she hoped everyone ended up in the same place. She looked forward to going there.

Nighttime was when she felt free and alive. When she was on the hunt she felt like there was no right or wrong, or that she was even entirely human. There were no rules; she was the law, she was power, she was death; they had no control over her. She was a killer and she didn't have to hide it.

It was the hiding that was getting to her the most.

Riley's belief in her had been just what she needed right after. She had felt dirty and evil, and had no hope that she could ever be anything else ever again. Riley believed in her goodness. He looked on her as if her face shone with the radiance of Righteousness, and even if a cloud passed over it, it would soon be burnt up by the inner light of Purity, the eternal purity that was Buffy. She was an emblem, an idea, that he had faith in. She had needed that kind of adoring love so that she could learn to live with herself again.

Now it made her tired. She knew she wasn't wholly good, she wasn't pure, and she could live with that, but wasn't sure that Riley could. She was afraid of disillusioning him, because she also loved him as a symbol; he was the innocence and trust that she thought she had lost.

She knew this wasn't what true love was supposed to be, but she thought sometimes that it was the closest she could ever expect to get. So she continued to hide, and to pretend.

One morning in August, Buffy came into the kitchen to find her mother trying very hard to take deep, slow breaths, her eyes distant with shock and bitterness. Buffy asked her what was wrong and she pointed to the mail on the counter. There, among the electricity bills and coupon mailings was a letter that explained that all future attempts to contact Hank Summers should be directed to his address in Spain, which he shared with a Ms. Sandy Kowalski.

Buffy felt like she had been stabbed in the gut with a red-hot knife. She felt betrayed and abandoned and like she never really knew her father after all. She had learned to control her emotions by now however, so she could reply with disinterested flatness, "Well, it's his life; he can do what he wants with it. I don't care."

"You're right," her mother said, seeming to calm down, but then was overcome by a fresh wave of bitterness. "She's his goddamn secretary," she said with a grimace. "A cheap blonde half his age."

"Oh," Buffy said, her face blank, while suddenly experiencing a desperate hope that her father loved Sandy and that they would be happy. "I'm going to go read in my room now."

Buffy could feel the tears coming as she walked upstairs. She tried to hold them back, told herself that she was over-identifying. But when she got to her room she still curled up on her bed and cried, because while she knew she was over-identifying with Sandy, she also knew that she still loved Giles and that she missed him.

As August drew to a close, Willow told Buffy how Giles seemed to be drawing out their archiving project as long as possible, trying to delay the date when he would have to leave. "And you know, at the beginning of the summer he was all stoic and never mentioned you at all. Then he started asking me these oblique questions about my friends and my social life, and now he just asks about you every day, and if you ever say anything about him."

"Oh," Buffy said, forcing herself not to care, not to even think about him.

"Also, I think he's maybe started drinking again," Willow added tentatively. "I'm kinda worried about him."

"I'm not," Buffy said, and pretended to herself that she believed it.

Some nights, when she was filled with a sense of freedom, vague, half-acknowledged fantasies of going to him flitted across her mind. She could be free with him like she never could with Riley because he knew her so much better, because he had seen her fall, because they had fallen together.

He would leave at the end of September. There were three days to go when she went to him. He stared at her, she was sure, for a whole minute before he stepped away from the door and let her in. He must have been drinking because he made himself some black coffee instead of tea and had to finish off a mug before he agreed to talk to her.

"Did Willow tell you about Dracula?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes." She thought she saw a flicker of pride in his eyes, because he knew she defeated the famous vampire. He was still a watcher after all.

"Yeah… 'cause he said some things to me that made me think, about my power. He knew it better than I do. He saw darkness in it. I think he knew where it comes from. I want to know too. I want to learn about it, about past slayers, because I think it will make me be stronger, and better, and because it's who I am."

He was looking at her like he knew where this was going, like he was ready to say "yes" already. His eyes were so hopeful.

She tried not to feel for him. She made her face blank. "And the only person I can think of who can help me do that, who has the knowledge and the connections to help me, is you. This doesn't mean," she continued, cutting short his acceptance, "that I forgive you. But I need to work with you again. I'd understand if you weren't okay with that."

He managed to mask his disappointment so that he only looked somber, and nodded. "Yes, that's fine."

"Thank you," she said sincerely, and left.

As soon as she was outside and the door was closed behind her, Buffy sunk to the ground and wept. She had been so close to forgiving him, and without him bearing all the blame for what he did to her, for _making_ her a killer, she felt like she would collapse, that she would shatter under the weight of the guilt of having killed his child. If she ever forgave him completely, she was sure she would.


	6. A New Dawn

_November 26, _

_...So, Buffy and Giles are talking again. In an actually talking way. For so long it was like you were risking freezer burn just being in the same room with both of them. Which was a huge switch from last summer when they were total Bobbsey Twins... except for being different ages and sexes and not at all related... they were together 24/7. I think Buffy had a crush on him. When I told mom that, she just looked kinda funny and didn't say anything, but I still think I'm right. Once, last summer, I saw them standing _**_really_**_ close together on the sidewalk outside the house. The moon was all full and it would have been kinda romantic, if he weren't, you know... _**_Giles_**_. But then Buffy always did have wacky taste. My theory is that they kissed, and then Buffy freaked out (because, _**_Giles!_**_) and that's why she went all stone cold around him. I was starting to feel really sorry for him. It was like he couldn't do anything good enough for her (which I can totally relate to!) But it looks like she's finally getting over it now..._

xxx

Buffy was anxious, about Dawn and the psycho-superbitch that was looking for her, but also about something more immediate. She looked across at Giles. He was still taking in the information, his face set in shock.

He noticed her watching him. "I don't know what to say."

"Tell me about it."

He ran his hand through his hair. "I didn't even know such a thing was possible..."

"Such a what?"

"Making a person out of nothing."

"Oh." Buffy said, her face blank. "Well, uh, he didn't say they started from scratch. He, um, said they used my blood, actually."

Giles nodded thoughtfully. "That would give them all the basic materials. But I still don't understand how they could have, um, given her a-a life force or a soul..."

Buffy watched him carefully as he thought about the matter for a moment.

"Well, in any case..." he said, moving on. "She has no idea?"

"No. She thinks she's just my sister."

They talked about Dawn and what to do about her for a long time, without coming up with any conclusive plans for action, other than to keep vigilant. Then Buffy felt the onset of nerves again.

"There's something else I wanted to tell you too."

"Yes?" He looked at her expectantly.

Buffy took a steadying breath. "I'm sorry, for how I've acted towards you."

Giles stared at her for so long that Buffy started to wish she had been keeping time. Then he looked away, blinking is disbelief. "Well, I deserved it," he said softly.

"No you didn't. Not that much, anyways."

Giles almost-laughed.

"I want us to be good again. Like we used to be."

He looked at her sadly. "I don't know if that's possible."

"We can try, can't we?" she asked, her eyes hopeful.

"Alright."

Buffy breathed a relieved sigh, and for the first time in more than a year, she saw Giles smile.

xxx

After the last of Tara's relatives left the Magic Box, everyone was quiet. Buffy was still silently fuming.

"Hey!" Willow finally said. "What are we all standing around for? We've got partying to do!"

"What?" Tara asked.

"Oops," Willow said, unable to hide her grin. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

"A surprise party for me?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "No, for Spike."

Tara grinned and wrapped Willow in a tight hug. "It's the best surprise ever."

"Always happy to serve as a punch line, luv, any time," Spike said, slightly put out. Then he turned to Buffy. "Or, you know, as a demon-killer slash life-saver."

"Huh?"

"Most of those Lei-ach demons back there owe their deaths to me," he informed her casually.

"Oh." Buffy nodded. "Then would you be a real dear and clean up after yourself? You know, before they start stinking the place up." She turned from him before she could see his insulted frown. "Hey Giles! You good for a ride?"

"Certainly."

"Great. See you all soon." She waved to her friends. "Come on Dawn."

"I'm glad you guys are good again," Dawn said as she, Buffy and Giles left the shop.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Buffy said airily.

"You were all moody and weird around each other, for, like, a year," she clarified as they approached Giles' red beamer. "And now you're not. I like it better this way."

Neither of them answered. Dawn concluded they were pretending they didn't hear her and rolled her eyes. Giles opened the back door for Dawn, but avoided eye contact. Buffy climbed into the front passenger seat without opening the door at all. Giles shot her an exasperated look. She smiled.

"Me too," Dawn heard her sister softly say.

xxx

"I'm bored. Let's dance." Anya said, and dragged Xander to the dance floor, leaving Giles standing alone.

"Hey."

Giles turned and saw Buffy coming towards him.

"So, how'd Tara like the crystal ball?"

"Rather well, I believe. If nothing else I'm sure she'll find it a very attractive paperweight."

Buffy smiled. Giles felt his heart leap just a little. It was so good to see her smile again, and to be the one making her smile. In two days their relationship had improved so remarkably that Giles could hardly believe he hadn't fallen into some alternate universe and just failed to notice.

"So," Buffy said carefully. "Since we're among friends, and the only two not paired off... wouldja care to dance?"

Giles' face fell. "Uh..."

She looked up at him with an expression not at all flirtatious, nor like that of a person trying too hard to prove something, but just conciliatory, and a little melancholy. "I promise we'll strictly obey the six-inch rule."

Giles smiled. "Alright."

Buffy led him to the dance floor. "Now." She turned to face him. "You remember how to do this, right?"

"Um..." Giles hesitated. He quirked a bashful smile, nervous in spite of himself.

"Here." Buffy placed one of his hands lightly on her hip and held the other very naturally in her own. "Now as long as you don't do anything crazy like trying to get me to waltz again, we're good."

Giles laughed, and started to lead her in a slow dance.

He was very aware of the pressure of her hand on his shoulder, of the warmth of her hand in his, of the closeness of her body. He quickly became fascinated by the way the lights played in her eyes, and all the subtle meanings they expressed. The thought occurred to him that he should be worried about all of this, but he wasn't; it felt so right this time.

"See?" she said. "It is possible. Just like we used to be."

"Are we?" he asked softly.

She blinked, surprised. Then her look changed. He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe it, that they had never been quite like this before. She was studying his face the same way he thought he must be studying hers. He felt her hand slide to his back as she drew closer.

Someone tapped his shoulder. "May I cut in?" Riley was smiling at them like a Golden Retriever. Suddenly, there were a good two feet between him and Buffy. He felt like he had been doused with cold water.

"Riley. You came," Buffy said.

"Of course I came." He wrapped his arms around his girlfriend. "Something wrong?"

"Nuh uh." She smiled brightly and let him kiss her.

Giles was still standing dumbly nearby. Riley turned to him.

"Sorry to steal your dance, pal." He smiled good naturedly.

Giles forced a grin. "Not at all. She's your girl." He glanced at Buffy. She avoided his eyes.

Giles left the dance floor and went straight outside. He needed some fresh air. He leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath.

No, this wasn't anything like what they had been before. Whether it was better or worse, Giles couldn't decide.


	7. Love

"Hi Anya, how's business?" Buffy said as she walked into the Magic Box the day after Tara's party.

"This dried mandrake root is flying off the shelves." Anya replied. She was pricing and shelving jars of what looked like shrivelled up ginger. "I'm going to have to order more soon, and cut down on our stock of wolfsbane, which is just sitting there, taking shelf space away from more profitable products." She cast a contemptuous glare in the direction of the wolfsbane. "And the free rabbit's foot with every purchase promotion is a great success. Would you like one?" Anya asked with a smile, walking over to the counter and taking a furry gray foot from a basket full of them. "Do your part to keep those evil little hoppers from their evil hopping?"

"Sure." Buffy took the foot Anya offered her. "Thanks. Listen, Anya..."

"You have to purchase something now."

"What?"

"That's the way it works. Free rabbit's foot with every purchase. You have to make a purchase if you want a foot."

"Right. Uh, unfortunately, I, um, forgot my money at home." Buffy handed back the foot. Anya frowned. "I'll have to take you up on it some other time. Is Giles around?"

"He's on his lunch hour. Which, paradoxically enough always lasts two hours. He lacks the American work ethic. Not being American."

"Well, he's lucky he's got you to pick up the slack." Buffy said with a smile.

"I know. He should give me a raise."

"Totally." Buffy nodded. She was wringing her hands. "I, um, I wanted to ask you something, actually..."

"Oh? What?" Anya asked as she continued stocking jars of mandrake root.

"Okay, um, well, first, if I did something that most people would consider wierd, or even a little wrong, you wouldn't judge me right?"

"No, I would." Anya said airily. "I wouldn't shun or condemn you, because I wouldn't really care, but I would definitely judge you."

"Great!" Buffy said, genuinely relieved. "See, I don't really care what you think of me, so that works great."

"Yes, we have a mutual relationship of non-caring. So..." Anya casually put down the pricing gun and turned to Buffy. "What's this weird, wrong thing that you did? Not that I care."

"I'm working up to that." Buffy said nervously and took a breath. "Okay, here goes. Last year I, um, I slept with Giles, and it was a mistake, biggest ever, he freaked out which made me freak out and then there was guilt and blame and recriminations and pain and consequences that I'm really not going to get into, but it was all bad, bad, badness for a long, long time and I wanted to hate him forever, but then I stopped hating him and we were like, 'Let's try moving on and being normal!' and all that, but it isn't working because now I think I'm in love with him, and I _think_ he's in love with me too but I really don't know for sure, I'm afraid he isn't, and I don't want to hurt Riley because I still love him, just not not enough, and it makes me feel so guilty and very, very confused and I don't know what to do." Buffy said quickly. She looked imploringly at Anya.

Anya seemed stunned. "Oh. I see." She returned her attention to her mandrake root.

"So what should I do? I figured you've had experience with a lot of triangular-type relationships, so you'd maybe be able to tell me."

Anya sighed and turned back to Buffy. "My experience is with relationships gone wrong. There are six-thousand, seven-hundred and thirty-two ways for that to happen, by the way. I don't know of any method to ensure they turn out all right, or even end on good terms."

"Oh." Buffy's face fell. "Well, what do you think about Giles?"

"He's vaguely handsome." Anya shrugged. "I wouldn't choose him over Mr. Arian-ideal..."

"No, I mean what do think he thinks of me? You hang out with him all day..."

"Excluding his two-hour lunches..." Anya muttered.

"Has he said anything about me?"

"No."

"Nothing at all?"

"No. I can ask him--"

"_No!_" Buffy's eyes went wide with alarm. "No. Don't do that. Don't tell _anyone_ about this."

"Okay." Anya said defensively.

"Promise?"

"Yes. I promise."

"Okay." Buffy sighed with relief. "Thanks, um, for your help." She turned to go.

As she left the store, Anya called after her cheerily, "Any time!"

Buffy kept her head down, watching her feet as she walked down the sidewalk away from the Magic Box. She wasn't interested in what the rest of the world was up to. She sighed, disappointed and frustrated. But she also felt better, just for having told someone what was going on inside her. It didn't seem like such a world-ending problem anymore. And Anya _hadn't_ judged her -- or, at least, she hadn't said anything judgmental -- so Buffy didn't feel like quite such a terrible person as she did before. Maybe that was all she had wanted from Anya anyhow, someone to tell her problems to, because really, she knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to be with Giles. She just didn't know how much he wanted to be with her. And she didn't know what to do about Riley.

Buffy knew the smartest thing to do would be to ask Giles straight up how he felt about her, but she was afraid to, afraid the question would mess them up again. Not that they were acting normal around each other anymore anyways. While Buffy was watching Giles as much as possible, trying to figure him out, he seemed to be keeping his distance as much as possible and avoiding eye contact.

That changed when Buffy told him that a vampire had nearly gutted her with her own stake. Giles put his hand on her shoulder and looked at her intently as he asked if she was sure she was all right. She assured him that she was. Then Giles suddenly seemed to become aware of their proximity. He awkwardly dropped his arm to his side and walked away from her around the research table. Buffy didn't know if he wanted to keep away from her, or if he just thought that was what she wanted, or if he had executively decided that it didn't matter what either of them wanted, that it was simply best this way. In any case, it annoyed her.

She told him that she wanted to look into the Watchers' Diaries, to find out how the other slayers met their ends, so she could learn from their mistakes, and they settled down for an evening of reading.

The Watchers' Diaries turned out not to have the kind of information Buffy was looking for at all.

"Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it?" she complained. "The journals just stop."

Giles looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just find the whole subject too--"

"Unseemly?" she said irritably. "Damn. Love ya but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes."

"Painful... I was going to say."

"Oh."

Giles immediately returned his gaze to the diary he had been reading. Buffy watched him carefully.

"Giles?" she asked quietly after a long silence. "Do you love me?"

He looked up, surprised by her uncertain tone. "Yes."

"Oh." She raised her eyebrows. "Since when? Just, um, out of curiosity."

He took a moment to think about it. "Um, it's hard to say exactly. S-since I read the prophecy about, uh, you and the Master, at least."

"You never told me." Her voice was very quiet.

He looked up at her, she looked hurt. Giles hung his head, not knowing what to say.

"So, um..." She finally broke the silence. "What's the difference between, uh, that and, um, being _in_ love?"

Giles blinked, taken aback. "Oh. Um..." He removed his glasses and fidgeted with the arms, keeping his eyes on them instead of looking at Buffy. "W-well, the way I-I loved you, um, jarred with, uh, w-wanting you. I-it felt very wrong. Being in love, a-as you know, is quite, uh, quite the oppposite sensation". He spoke in barely more than a whisper. "Although it can still be very painful."

Buffy moved to a chair closer to Giles. "How do you feel about me now?" She was watching him intently.

When he raised his eyes they met hers, and she willed him not to look away. He didn't. "I... um, I-I-I..."

She leaned closer to him. She noticed his gaze travel from her eyes, to her lips and back.

"I, uh... h-h-how's Riley?"

"What?" Buffy blinked. She sat up straight again. "Oh. Um, he's, um, he's good."

"Good. Uh, th-that's good."

"Yeah. He's a good guy."

"I like Riley."

"Me too." Buffy nodded. "So, um, we were talking about slayers."

xxx

After Buffy stopped crying and went back inside, Spike stayed in the shadows, watching the house.

He saw Joyce come out with a small suitcase and drive away.

About fifteen minutes later he heard yelling coming from inside. The door opened.

"Mom _said_ I could go!"

Buffy tried to close the door, but Dawn got between it and the door jam. She didn't leave, however. Buffy must have been holding on to her arm.

"I want to know where you are!"

"You _know_ I'll be at Janice's!"

"I want to know you're where I can keep an eye on you!"

"Well you're not my mom! _Mom_ said I could go! Now _let go_ of me!" She yanked her arm away and ran down the porch stairs.

"Wait!" Buffy ran out after her. "I'm at least coming with you."

Dawn rounded on her. "NO! Leave me alone! I don't need you taking care of me all the time! Just leave me alone!" And she ran off down the street.

"Dawn!" Buffy called after her. She started to follow her sister, but then seemed to think better of it. Running a hand through her hair, she turned back to the house. She stopped at the door and stood there for a minute. Instead of going inside she closed the door and walked away down the street, in the opposite direction from Dawn.

Spike followed her.

xxx

After Buffy left the Magic Box, Giles continued researching slayers' final battles at home. He was just about to go to bed when there was a knock at his door.

It was Buffy. She looked miserable.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course." Giles let her in.

She headed straight for the sofa and sat down.

Giles sat besides her. "What's the matter?"

"It's mom. She's, uh, she's spending the night at the hospital. She's getting a CAT scan. She said not to worry, it's still early..." Buffy took a deep breath. "God, I thought I already cried myself out."

Giles moved closer and took her hands in his.

"I can't help it, I'm sorry."

"No, it's all right." He waited for her to calm down. "How did Dawn take it?"

"Better than me, apparently. She's sleeping over at Janice's."

Giles nodded. "I wish there was something I could say that would make it better."

"Can I just stay with you a while?"

"Of course. Can I, uh, would you like a tea?"

Buffy shook her head. "Just stay with me." She lifted his arm and put it around her. She moved so that she was right next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. In a few minutes she was asleep.

xxx

It was late, but Riley wanted to tell Buffy that the vampire that had staked her was taken care of. When he got to her house, however, it didn't look like anyone was home. He turned away from the door to see Spike standing at the end of the walk,

"Well, if it isn't G.I. Junior," Spike said smugly. "Lost your girl?"

Riley walked right past the vampire without acknowledging him.

Spike followed at a distance. "Ever think about _why_ you can't keep her in bed at night?"

Riley didn't answer.

"Might be your lack of, er, personality. If you know what I mean. Or maybe your lack of experience."

"You can't get to me, Spike," Riley said as he continued walking. "And you can't get to Buffy either. Evil's not her type."

"Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I'm just saying, she has a history of going for men with a few more years on them than lil' boys like you."

"She's over Angel."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that either. But he's not exactly what I'm talking about."

Riley let out an exasperated sigh and turned on Spike. "Then just come out with what you _are _talking about, bleach-boy."

Spike smirked at him. "Next time you're with her, _if_ you get the chance, try asking her to call you 'daddy.'" He started to walk away. "Might turn her on."

Riley was left standing there, looking confused.

xxx

The morning light was casting sunbeams across Giles' apartment when Buffy woke up. She and Giles had rearranged themselves somewhat during the night so that he was stretched out diagonally, and Buffy was lying half on top of him. She watched him sleep, in no hurry to move. His eyes fluttered opened.

"Hi," she said softly. Their faces were only a few inches apart.

For a moment he looked surprised to see her. "Hello. How long have you been awake?"

"Not long. I was watching you."

He smiled sleepily. "I noticed."

Buffy smiled sleepily back. She ran her finger lightly along his jaw. "You need to shave."

"Often do in the morning."

"Mm hm..." She snuggled closer, her eyelids drooping shut again. Then her eyes shot open. "Oh my God, it's morning!" She rolled off of Giles and got to her feet.

Giles was still getting over his grogginess, but got up as well,

"I need to be there when Dawn gets home! What if she's home already?" She was half-way out the door when stopped in her tracks. "What if _mom's_ home already?" She turned to face Giles. "What do tell her?"

He shrugged as he walked around to Buffy's side of the sofa. "That you came over here to talk because you were upset and ended up falling asleep on my couch?"

Buffy blinked. "Oh. Yeah," she said, calmer now. "That is all that happened."

"That's all." They stood facing each other for a moment.

"Yeah." Buffy turned away awkwardly and started out the door. Then she stopped again.

She ran back to Giles and he wondered what was wrong, but then her arms were around his neck and she was kissing him. He had just begun to kiss her back when she broke away, smiling like a nervous school girl.

"Bye," she said quickly, and ran out the door.

Giles stood there for a long time, staring out the still-open door into the sunlit courtyard.


	8. Obligatory Lolita Reference

It was a gorgeous day; blue sky, fluffy clouds, warm sunshine. Buffy smiled at everyone she passed. Whenever she thought of waking up next to Giles, or about kissing him, she was filled with a giddy excitement. She couldn't remember ever being so inexplicably happy about being in love before. But as the day wore on, the excitement mutated into nerves. She wondered if kissing Giles had really been the right thing to do. Maybe she had only succeeded in scaring him off. Then when she thought of Riley she felt so guilty it made her sick.

She had to talk to Riley. And the sooner she did, the better it would be for everyone. After her classes she went to his frat house, but no one had seen him that afternoon. She checked out the library and the grad student lounge and the caf, but he wasn't in any of those places either. Finally she decided to give up.

As she approached the Magic Box, Buffy felt her stomach twisting into knots. She was suddenly overcome with the worry that her hair had somehow degenerated during the day. The very next moment she was buzzed just from the thought of kissing him again and started spinning airy fantasies of arriving to find they had the store all to themselves. But then the image of Riley suddenly turned up and all her fantasies were sunk by a cold wave of guilt. And there was also that annoying little doubt that Giles even wanted to kiss her at all and she was really just making a fool of herself.

But then when she saw him, all those thoughts fell away.

"Hi, Giles."

"Hello, Buffy."

She felt frozen, like she couldn't move. It was probably a good thing, since she was vaguely aware of other people being in the shop too and she didn't want to do anything stupid in front of them.

"Um, Riley's waiting for you."

"What?"

"Hey there Buffy."

Buffy turned to see that Riley was indeed standing there, in front of her. Behind him, she could see Willow and Tara at the research table and Xander standing by the counter with Anya.

"Riley. Why'd you come here? I was, uh, looking for you on campus."

"Oh." Riley quirked a humourless smile. "You usually leave campus right away. I came looking for you, since I can always count on finding you here."

Buffy thought she heard a note of hostility in Riley's voice. His look seemed to be cold, and when he smiled it didn't reach his eyes.

"Yeah," Buffy said carefully. "Well, it's where my handy dandy training room is. And the books. And my, uh, other slayer stuff."

"Yeah. Um, where, uh, where were you last night?" he asked, trying to be casual and failing.

"What?"

"I came around your house. No one was there."

Buffy could feel a wave of panic coming on. "Oh, um…"

"She was at my place," Giles intervened. "She had come over to talk, and just ended up sleeping on the couch."

"Oh." Riley smiled, relieved. "I knew it must have been something like that."

"Why?" Giles asked suspiciously.

"Nothing, it's nothing. Spike just said... he said something it's best to pretend he never said."

At the mention of Spike, Buffy's eyes went wide. Until that very moment she had forgotten completely that he had been chained up in the bathroom. "He said something about Giles and me?"

"Not in so many words, but..." Riley stopped. He looked at Buffy curiously. "How did you know?"

Buffy cursed herself silently and put on a brave face. "That's, um, that's a funny story, actually..."

"Hello Dawn!" Giles said suddenly and very brightly. "How are you?"

Buffy turned to see Dawn coming through the door.

"Okay." Dawn replied, giving Giles a sideways look. "Kinda sleepy."

"Well, that's what you get for going to sleepovers on a school night," Buffy said sharply. "Why don't you go home?"

"I wanted to hang with Willow and Tara."

Willow and Tara were watching the scene unfolding at the front of the store with apprehension.

"Well, I think you should go home," Buffy said firmly.

Giles turned away for a moment and swore very quietly to himself, knowing that had not been the wisest thing for Buffy to say.

"Why?" Dawn asked 

"Yeah, why?" Riley demanded.

Buffy kicked herself mentally. "Oh, um, no reason," she said, failing to be off-hand. "Just..." She turned to Dawn. "I'm your big sister and I say so."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Screw that." She walked into the store, but Giles put a hand on her shoulder to keep her from joining the others at the research table for the moment.

"No, you told her to leave," Riley said to Buffy "What don't you want her to hear?"

Buffy cringed.

At the back of the store Willow and Tara were making their way quietly to the training room. Willow nodded to Anya to indicate that she and Xander should join them. Anya took Xander's hand and pulled him along.

"What?" Xander said, bewildered. "Why are we all leaving?"

"You'll find out when you're older, sweetie." Anya said under her breath.

Riley turned to see the four friends disappear into the training room. He turned back to Buffy. "What's going on that I don't know about?"

"Dawn, please go home," Giles told her quietly, seeming to decide that the situation had become intractable.

"But..."

"Now, Dawn.".

"Fine." She scowled and left in a huff. 

Buffy, Riley and Giles were the only three left in the store. Riley looked back and forth between the watcher and slayer. Giles looked very serious, though relatively composed. Buffy was clearly distressed.

"What's going on?" he asked again, fighting to keep the anger out of his voice.

"Riley..." Buffy said nervously, "I-I want to break up."

"_What?_" both men said at once. Riley was shocked. Giles was also surprised, but had to fight back a smile.

Riley glared at him.

"Giles, I want you to leave too," Buffy said.

Giles nodded and headed for the back of the store. Riley blocked his way.

"No, I want to know his explanation!"

"He doesn't have anything he has to explain to you Riley. This doesn't have to do with him."

Riley let him go. Giles glanced over his shoulder at Buffy one last time, to confirm she wanted him gone, and continued towards the training room.

"Not really," Buffy added.

"What do you mean, '_Not really?!_'"

Meanwhile, Xander had figured out what all the upset was about.

"So, Buffy and Giles, they… they, uh… Giles and Buffy, uh… trying to say it without picturing it here and it's _not_ working!"

"Yeah," Willow said. "They did."

"Oh." Xander nodded. "And this was, uh…"

"After the truth spell."

"Oh." Xander looked at the faces of the three women he was with. They all looked worried for him. "Am I the _only_ one shocked and appalled by this?"

"Well, I already knew," Willow said.

"Willow told me." Tara added.

"Buffy told me."

Willow turned to Anya. "Buffy told _you_?"

"Yes. A mutually non-caring relationship is quite conducive to secret sharing."

"So is that it? I care too much? That why nobody told me? Or is it that you all cared too much about me and preserving my adorable child-like naivety?"

"We knew you'd react like this," Willow said, exasperated. "We knew you'd freak and make a big deal out of it and make it all weird."

"Well, maybe that's because it _is_ freaky, and it _is_ a big deal, and it _is_ weird, Will. It's a big, freaky, weird deal, and it's goddamn _wrong_!"

"Excuse me."

They turned and saw Giles standing by the door. His eyes had a cold fire in them.

"What? You're actually gonna act insulted?" Xander spat.

"Seeing as you did insult me, I believe I will."

"Newsflash, watcher-man, it's not an insult, it's the truth. You're like her goddamn father!"

"Except for the fact that I'm not."

"Well if it's so very _not_ wrong, why d'you have to hide it?" Xander's volume was rising.

Giles' tone was becoming colder and deadlier. "I don't have to defend myself to you."

"Don't have to or can't?" Xander wore a look of utmost disgust. "God!"

Tara started, "We shouldn't ju--"

"I can't believe she lets you around Dawn!"

Giles snapped. Before Xander knew what was happening, he was knocked to the ground with a bloody nose.

"Hey! Stop it!" Willow yelled.

Xander was just getting to his feet when Giles kicked him in the gut. Then Giles was thrown back against the brick wall. He landed on his feet, though he seemed stunned. 

"I said stop!"

Xander was on his knees gasping for breath. "Can't even fight like a man, you f--"

"Hey!" Willow yelled, and Xander flew back into the pummel horse, knocking his breath out again. "There's nothing wrong with Giles!"

"Maybe there's something wrong with the both of them!" Xander said hoarsely.

"Don't you dare start on Buffy!" Giles had abandoned his cold anger and yelled at Xander across the room.

"You're one to talk!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"You used her!"

Giles eyes flashed like he was ready to kill Xander again. "I would never—"

"You think I didn't notice how depressed she was last year? Or maybe you're the one who didn't notice what you did to her!"

"I'm in love with her!"

The room was silent. Giles himself looked stunned by his pronouncement. He noticed the others weren't staring at him, but at someone behind him. He knew it was Buffy and felt a wave of panic, though he didn't show it. He didn't turn around when he heard her voice.

"Hey. What's going on?"

No one said anything.

Xander got to his feet and wiped the blood from his face. He glared at Giles.

Buffy stepped into of his line of vision. "Xander, don't you dare give Giles or me a hard time about this. Accept it and move on like everybody else."

"Okay, I can move on. As long as I know you two have moved on and I won't have to live in Nabakov novel."

"Don't you go pulling the _Lolita_ references on me Xander, you never even read it."

"Neither did you."

"I saw the movie, and it doesn't apply. A, I was eighteen. B, _I_ came on to _him_. And C, who the _hell_ do you think you are trying to tell me what to do with my life? I'll date Giles if I want to, and if you can't accept that and still be my friend, then you were a suck-ass friend all along!"

"So, you guys _are_, like…?" Willow asked tentatively.

"I'm being hypothetical!" Buffy snapped.

"Fine," Xander said acidly. "I'll just stand back and watch you get into another doomed relationship if that's what friends are supposed to do. But don't expect your mom and sister to do the same." He walked out.

Buffy turned to Giles. "I need to talk to you."

"Of course." He looked to Anya. "Anya, um, would you mind running the store on your own for the rest of the day?"

"Fine. But if you broke anything of Xander's I'm going to expect a raise." She walked past him and out of the training room.

"Well, I guess we'll be too going then," Willow said awkwardly as she and Tara hurried out after Anya.

"Um, bye," Tara said before she left.

Buff and Giles stood in silence for a moment.

"So, uh, that didn't go so bad." She smiled ironically.

Giles shrugged. "It was only Xander who accused me of paedophilia."

"You mean besides the Lolita thing?"

"His exact words were, 'I can't believe she lets you around Dawn.'"

"_Oh_…" For a moment Buffy was genuinely speechless. "Okay, I am _so_ killing him dead. Then I'm killing him deader. Then I'm killing him again."

"I expected it." Giles looked distant, obviously bothered. "Um, h-how did things end up with Riley?"

"I told him I loved him, just not as much as I should. He was still really upset."

"Of course."

Buffy let another moment of silence pass before she spoke again. "So… you're in love with me?"

"I suppose I am," Giles said softly, too bashful to look at her. "I did sound rather vehement about it, didn't I?"

"Yeah." Buffy smiled. She stood right up next to him and held his hand. He didn't respond, just continued to look sombre and distant, but he didn't move away either. And Buffy noticed him gulp when she started lightly stroking the back of his hand. "So, what are we gonna to do about that?"

"Xander's right. Your mother will never condone it."

"Well, who says? She got used to me being a slayer. Maybe if we talk to her first we can get her used to this."

"Well, um, I don't know…" He looked at her skeptically. "I-if you're certain that's a good idea."

"I am. I want to make us work."


	9. Secrets Kept

It turned out that Joyce had to stay in hospital for more than one night. When the CAT scan results came back she and her family were told she had a brain tumour.

In the wake of the news Xander was able to put aside his recent anger with Buffy and be a supportive friend. He was still stand-offish towards Giles, but entirely civil, probably because he and Buffy showed no signs that they were pursuing a romanitic relationship.

And they weren't. After Buffy had told Giles about her mother's illness, they had talked about what they were going to do.

"I suppose it goes without saying that now's not the best time to, uh, get her 'used to the idea' of, um..."

"Us being couply? Yeah, wouldn't really be a health booster, I'm thinking."

"I don't mind waiting..."

"Well, maybe we could, like, have a thing, and-and just not tell anybody."

"Like a secret?" Giles said skeptically.

Buffy's face fell, but she continued anyways. "Yeah, because, you know, I'm so good at those. I could wear a trenchcoat and a wig and sunglasses, and meet you every Thursday in the same room of the Ritz Hotel..."

Giles smiled. "As intriguing as that sounds, I want anything I have with you to be entirely honest." He looked at her very seriously. "I don't want to make any mistakes this time." 

"I know."

It wasn't long, however, before Buffy found herself desperate for some way to forget all the badness of her mom's health, and Dawn and Glory, for some comfort, for someone just to tell her everything would be all right. It had been a bad day for her mother's mood swings; she had been snapping at Buffy one moment and crying the next. Dawn was able to take refuge at Janice's, but that added exponentially to Buffy's nerves -- not being able to keep an eye on Dawn. When Giles opened his door to find Buffy standing there, she looked miserable.

"Dawn is sleeping over at Janice's" she said as she came in.

"Ah." He closed the door and turned towards Buffy.

She stepped forward, closing the space between them. "I wanna sleepover here." She ran her hands up his chest and linked her fingers behind his neck.

"Oh." He said, in rather a higher register than usual. He reached up to remove her hands and stepped back from her.

"What is it?"

"I, um, I-I talked to your mother yesterday..."

"Oh. Why?"

"She asked me to. And, uh, she asked me not to tell you about it, but..." he glanced nervously at Buffy.

"No, tell me. If it's bad I-I want to know."

"It's not bad," Giles was quick to say. "It's just, well, we talked about her will," he said gently.

Buffy looked as shocked as if it had been bad news.

"She's not leaving anything to your father, naturally, and she, um, wants me to be in charge of the investments she leaves for you and Dawn." He paused and continued quietly, "She also thanked me for taking care of you a-and said that if anything does happen to her she knows she can count on me to look after you and Dawn as a father would. Uh, i-in light of that, th-this feels a little, um..."

"Wrong?" Buffy laughed humourlessly.

"Strange, maybe. I'm sorry. If you want to stay and talk, I'll put on some tea and..."

"No. No, it's okay, I-I should be home anyways. In case something happens with Dawn and she tries to call. I shouldn't even be here." And she turned and left.

xxx

"Oh, damn, I'm going to be late picking Dawn up," Buffy said, checking her watch as she left the training room, and she bolted from the Magic Box. 

Giles watched her go, then walked over to the till and began going over the receipts for the day.

"So," Anya said to him as she dusted nearby. "Are you and Buffy, you know, doing more than Kung-Fu in there?"

It was a moment before Giles got over his shock and was able to reply, "One, it's none of your business; two, no; and three, how can you even have the gall to ask such a thing?"

"It's not gall. Just curiosity. If you were, I bet you wouldn't be so grumpy," Anya added under her breath. She turned to him. "Why aren't you?"

"Are you serious?"

"I'm not laughing am I?"

"You saw how Xander and Willow reacted to the idea of us... being a couple."

"So?" Anya shrugged "It's not like you'll be announcing to them, 'Hey, the slayer and I found new and creative uses for the pummel horse today--'"

"Anya, for the love of all things good and holy could you _please_ not do that?"

"What?" Anya said, oblivious. "I'm just saying, not like anyone has to know about it."

"Yes, but people tend to find out. And what if it's Buffy's mother who does, or Dawn? I don't want to be the cause of any more trouble in Buffy's life."

"But she'll be happy in other ways."

"I'm not even sure about that," Giles said, more to himself than to Anya.

Anya scoffed. "Buffy gave up Mr. 'Strength for now, strength for later' for you Giles, I'm sure she--"

"No, that's not what I'm talking about," Giles said.

Anya gave him a quizzical look.

He sighed and continued reluctantly, "Buffy _hated_ me, Anya, for more than a year. She said she would never forgive me. Then two weeks ago she does, and suddenly we're in love and she's asking to spend the night with me, and it's incredibly confusing. She changed so drastically, I can't help but wonder if at any moment she might not change back."

"Oh." Anya nodded. "So this is about you being afraid of having your feelings hurt."

Giles rolled his eyes and grimaced, but answered, "Partially."

"Wuss."

He pretended he didn't hear her say that.

xxx

_January 10, 2001_

...And I thought Buffy couldn't get any weirder. Giles is in England for three days, and she's acting all mopey. More mopey than usual, even. I swear, she has a crush on him. She thinks I don't notice these things, but I do. I don't get them -- I mean, besides being all old, Giles has been bad moody himself lately, really not fun to be around, so I don't get it -- but I do notice it. Other things I've noticed: Buffy looking at me funny, still. Gawd. She's been doing this for months. Like, watching me, with this weird look, then when I look at her, she looks away and pretends she's all normal. I think she's spying on me. She's doing a really crappy job, but I think that's what she's up to. That's why she never wants me to go anywhere, I bet. So that's why I got a real lock for my diary, so she can't sneak into my room and read all the secret stuff I write in here. A few months ago when Buffy was suddenly on this "Ooh! Let's hang and talk and play every single board game ever invented, like ever!" -kick it was scary-level weird, but this is way, way worse...

xxx

"Well, that could have gone worse," Giles said bracingly.

Buffy just looked at him. Her trials with aikido and jiu-jitsu had been disasterous.

"I, um, I-I was trying to b-be, uh, funny."

"I got that, Giles."

"Lost cause?"

"Totally."

There was a loud _BANG!_ Buffy and Giles looked to the front of the store and saw a steaming Spike scambling to get back under his ratty blanket, having apparently dropped it when he ran headlong into the locked door of the Magic Box. He proceeded to knock madly as he threatened to be consumed by flames.

"Spike, however, always good for a laugh." She turned to Giles, who was fightintg back a smile himself. "I guess I'd better go see what he wants." She started towards the door.

"Don't feel obliged."

"Must be something pretty, or at least vaguely, important if he's risking flambe." She opened the door, and Spike ran in.

"Took you long enough!" He said, after he stopped, dropped and rolled to put out the fire. "It _is_ a regular business day, you know, what's with the locked door?" 

"We've been closed down for the duration of the Council's review." Giles said as he leaned against the counter. "What do you want?"

"Oh!" Spike said with mock-surprise. "The Watcher's Council is reviewing you, are they? Well, that explains the nice little visit I had with that charming clip-board lady and her mates with the cross-bow. Don't worry luv," he said to Buffy, noticing her cross her arms and step forward. "I didn't tell them anything too incriminating." He smirked. "But I did make sure I got a phone number and a time by which I should call, in case I remember anything else..." His eyes travelled up and down her body, "interesting, that might've slipped my mind."

Buffy punched him hard and he fell to the floor. She grabbed a stake from a shelf and was about to lunge at him.

"Whoa! Whoa! Wait!" Spike yelled. "Wait, you don't seriously think I'd do mailing this black without some insurance do you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Got a letter, luv, that _will _find its way to your mum, unless the courier gets word from me, and only me, by a certain time not to deliver it." He got to his feet, looking back and forth from Buffy to Giles, who had moved forward from his spot by the counter, and had his hands balled into fists. They were both looking at him with death glares, but Spike could see the fear underneath. "Strikes me, Rupert, that you've got a lot on the line with these Council blokes. Got a lot to lose, haven't you?"

"What do you want, Spike?"

"Money, surprisingly enough. Five-grand, to be exact." He smiled, seeing the shock register on Buffy's face and Giles' failed attempt to remain stoic. "Of course, I may decide to ask a kinder price," He looked Buffy over again, "in exchange for a few small favours from the slayer. Uh-uh-uh," He said, raising his hands as Buffy made to hit him again. "No violence, or I may decide to up the price."

Buffy lowered her fist and turned away, running her hand through her hair instead.

"So, Rupert, any suggestions as to what our girl does best?"

"Get out." Giles growled.

"Alright, alright. But I expect the money at my crypt, at sundown, brought to me by the slayer," He nodded to Buffy, "alone." And with that he threw his blanket over himself and ran out the door.

Buffy marched back into the training room. After he locked the door to the shop again, Giles joined her. She was giving the punching bag the pummeling of its life.

"When you're done on that, I think I may want to have a go," he said.

Buffy held the punching bag still and leaned her forehead against it.

"Can you even get five-thousand dollars by sundown?"

"Oh, yes. Having no dependents and two incomes for most of one's life tends to lead to a rather substantial chequing account, even after a year's sojourn from employment." He ran his hand through his hair and looked up at the ceiling. "I just hate the thought of that little pillock being able to jerk us around like this." He let out a sigh of frustration. "And I thought this whole situation couldn't get any worse."

Buffy went over to the couch, she sat down and held her head in her hands. "Five-thousand dollars. God! Kinda makes you think we should be doing something to really get our money's worth, huh?" She looked up at Giles with a laugh.

He smiled too, but then the next moment neither of them were laughing, and they were looking at each other like they were feeling rebellious and reckless enough to make it not a joke at all, and the moment after that Giles was next to her and kissing her, and vaguely hoping that his glasses didn't break as he dropped them to the ground.

For a long time they just kissed, the way Buffy had imagined for weeks, and the way Giles had dreamed of but never let himself think about during the day. She tasted sweet and salty and was damp from working out, and he didn't want to take his hands from her, and only did when she slid his jacket off. She climbed onto his lap, wrapping her legs around his waist, and undid his necktie, his buttons, kissing his neck as she did. His hands were under her tanktop, on the bare skin of her back. As he moved them around to her front, his fingers grazed the sides of her ribcage and she suddenly laughed.

Giles pulled away from her. "Are you ticklish?" he asked, surprised that she might be without him knowing until now.

Her eyes were wide with fear. "Um, no."

"Oh," he said, nodding, as if he accepted her answer, but then his eyes sparked and he smiled wickedly and tickled her again, and she burst out laughing.

Then she was on her back, and he was on top of her, and she was gasping for air, she couldn't stop laughing. "Stop it!"

"Alright!" He said, laughing himself, and kissed her hard.

She still couldn't quite breathe, and suddenly this was too much like the last time. His hands were under her shirt, and under her waistband. They were going too fast and not being careful and she was very scared that it would all end up like it did before, with her in that doctor's office. She couldn't breathe, she felt trapped, she wanted to stop. "Stop it!" she pushed him away, onto the floor. She was on her feet and half-way to the door.

"What's wrong?" she heard him say. She turned around. He looked worried and confused and hurt.

"I'm sorry. I..." she couldn't speak, she was crying. She ran away.

x

The day after the Watchers' Council left Sunnydale, Buffy came into the Magic Box and gave a large wad of cash to Giles.

"I beat Spike up and got your money back,"

"Oh. Thank you." Giles said and put the money in the cash register for the time being. "Um, are you sure he won't, in retribution..."

"His face is too swollen for him to talk right now. It's five hundred dollars short, by the way. Must've spent it already."

"That was fast."

"Yeah." There was a moment's awkward silence before Buffy spoke again. "I am sorry for how I acted the other day."

"No, no, it's all right, i-it's, um, understandable, e-especially if..." Giles trailed off. He looked very serious. "Buffy, I-I w-w-want to know i-if I... if, uh, last time, d-d-did I, uh..." He trailed off again, ran his hand through his hair and sighed. Buffy realized she hadn't seen him look like this in months, not since he had gotten over his guilt.

"What? What do you think you did?"

Giles took a deep breath. "The type of, um, reaction you had would not have been unusual f-for one wh-who had been, uh, traumatized. Physically or emotionally," he said, unable to look at her. "I know it was, um, upsetting, because I said I was going to leave, and I assumed your relationship with Riley uh, generated more guilt that you projected onto me after your party, but I didn't think..." He had to pause to collect himself again.

"You didn't do anything to me Giles."

"Then why...?" Suddenly he looked even more concerned. "Riley never did anything --"

"No. No. Riley never did anything to... and neither did you. What could you have done to me?" Buffy said, trying to blow it off.

"Emotionally coerced you?" he said softly. "I was half-drunk and thinking I could do anything with you because you're the slayer and could take it." He kept his head hung low, not able to look at her face. His voice dropped even more. "I've done worse, when I was much younger. I wouldn't hold myself above it."

Buffy was shocked by Giles' last confession, but he seemed so ashamed of himself that she couldn't judge him. She shook her head. "No, you didn't do anything."

"Then what happened?" He looked up at her, his eyes searching her face for an answer.

"Nothing. I just freaked a bit. It happens. That's all."

"Oh."

Buffy could see that he knew it was a lie, and maybe he could see that she knew it, too. But she could never, ever, tell him the truth.


	10. Secrets Told

Buffy looked around at her friends and took a deep breath. "There's something that you need to know… about Dawn…"

x

Xander was the first to speak after Buffy finished telling them. "So, these monk dudes just made a whole person?"

"From my blood."

"Can they even do that?" Willow asked skeptically.

Giles shrugged. "Apparently they can, since they, um, did."

"And they just erased all our memories and rewrote them?" Xander asked. "Like an Etch-a-Sketch?"

"A great big magic Etch-a-Sketch," Willow said, impressed.

"Who gave them the okay to do that?"

"They were trying to save the world," Buffy replied.

"Can they take it back?" Anya asked.

"They're all dead."

"Damn," Xander breathed. He turned to Buffy, who was frowning at him. "Not saying I want Dawn to get gone, I just don't like my mind being messed with."

Anya nodded in agreement. "Makes me feel icky."

"I know. But there's nothing we can do. We have to protect her now."

xxx

"Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between here and there," Spike said thoughtfully. Dawn was standing before him, purportedly on her way to go a-stealing, but she was starting to look nervous. "Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't sit too well with big sister," Spike continued.

"I can take care of myself," Dawn insisted. Then she added, "You wanna come steal stuff?"

"Yeah, all right," Spike answered. They started walking. "How's Buffy doing these days anyway? Haven't seen her for a while."

Dawn looked sideways at him. He still had the marks from the last time Buffy paid him a visit. "Yeah, right, and you got those bruises how? Falling down the stairs?"

"As a matter of fact, uh, yeah. But I was pushed. By these really big Kraigernach demons. A whole pack of them, to whom I owe money." Spike said unconvincingly. "Stupid gits. Got more muscle than patience."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Right. You're a sucker for pain, Spike."

"So how is she?"

Dawn sighed. "I would say weird, but weird's normal for her now. So, normal."

"Doesn't happen to be on the outs with her old man, does she?" Spike asked casually.

"Giles?" Dawn rolled her eyes again. "I don't even know what's up with those two anymore. I think they're avoiding each other. Again."

"Oh. Well, isn't that interesting," Spike said, trying not to appear too heartened. "You know, to someone who might actually care. Who isn't me. So, what have you got it in mind to steal?"

xxx

"That was an incredibly dangerous spell for an adept at your level," Giles said sternly to Willow.

"Yep," Willow said, still in a daze. "Won't be trying that one again soon."

Buffy was just glad that it had worked and that Glory was gone, for the moment. She hoped Willow's teleportation spell had sent her far away. Buffy turned urgently to Dawn.

"Are you okay? Did she hurt you?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I love you. You're my –" Buffy stopped herself. Her face went blank. "Uh, you're my sister."

Dawn glared at her, tears gathering in her eyes. "Yeah, right. You don't even believe that. I'm not anything, am I?" Her voice was shaking.

"No you are," Buffy said earnestly.

Dawn just shook her head. She quickly got to her feet and ran to the door.

"Dawn! Wait!" Buffy got up and grabbed a hold of her.

"Let go of me! I'm not your sister." Dawn struggled uselessly against her.

The others watched wide-eyed, not knowing what to do.

"Guys, get out of here!" Buffy ordered them.

"Are you sure…?" Xander asked.

"Yes! Just go!"

"I'm not your sister!" Dawn cried, though she had stopped struggling now.

Buffy let go of her and stood in front of the door after the last of her friends had gone. "No, you aren't," she said.

Dawn looked at her, shocked despite her insistence of the same.

"But you're still mine. Dawn…"

"What am I?"

Buffy held on to her and spoke calmly. "Just, promise me you'll calm down, and I'll tell you, okay?"

"You'll tell me the truth?"

"If you promise not to freak out."

Dawn composed herself somewhat and tried to look stoic. "I promise."

Buffy nodded. She sank to the floor and Dawn sat down in front of her, watching her expectantly. "Okay." Buffy took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling like she was praying for strength or guidance. She started carefully. "Um, remember last year, I was crying a lot, and really depressed?"

"I wasn't alive last year," Dawn said bitterly.

"But you remember, right?" Dawn nodded and Buffy continued, "I was like that because…" She lowered her eyes and her voice dropped to a whisper. "No one else knows this, but I got pregnant."

Dawn gaped in shock.

Buffy didn't notice. She didn't raise her eyes. She kept staring at the same spot on the floor, with the same distant look. "It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. I felt so alone. I thought everyone would judge me, and mom would kick me out, and Riley would leave me, and I wouldn't be able to finish college, and that after all that, I'd bring a baby into the world and not even be able to take care of it, because of the slaying, and it would end up dead. I freaked out, right there in the doctor's office. She was nice about it. She calmed me down, and told me what to do, and where to go. I did what she said, and went straight from there to, um…" Buffy bowed her head. "I-I got an abortion."

Dawn was looking at Buffy like she never really knew her before.

"It was really fast, and then I went straight back to school. No one even guessed that anything was different. I felt like killing myself, I was so guilty, but no one guessed." There were tears in her voice. "Something, uh, funny happened during the, um, operation though. I thought I just blacked out and had a weird dream, but when I found the monk, he told me that they had been watching me, trying to figure out a way to bring me the key. And when I… well, they took the baby, and kept her alive, and they put the key in her and made her grow up into you." Buffy looked up at Dawn, her eyes swimming in tears.

Dawn appeared dazed. "I'm your daughter?"

"Yeah." Buffy nodded and smiled weakly. "Weird, huh? But hey, you're a hundred percent real. Just sped up."

Dawn's expression turned to one of horror. "You killed me."

Buffy looked like she was putting all of her strength into not breaking down into tears. When she spoke it was more like she was pleading with Dawn. "I know. And I hated myself. I would have been miserable for the rest of my life. I was just so frightened, and I panicked…"

"Why?" Dawn asked coldly, her voice shaking and sardonic. "Not like Riley wouldn't've done the right by you. I bet he even would have married you."

"No, I couldn't've…"

"What?" Dawn scoffed. "Burdened him with me?"

Buffy shook her head. "No. No, Riley and me, we weren't even…" She trailed off.

Dawn looked at her suspiciously. "Then whose am I?"

Buffy took another deep breath. "Giles'."

Dawn's mouth dropped open again and she looked at Buffy with eyebrows halfway up her forehead. "Oh."

"It was… complicated. I had no clue how he'd react. And what mom and my friends would say if they knew. I was sure they'd think there was something wrong with me, and that mom would go hairy on him and I'd lose him…"

"I told her you had a crush on him." Dawn laughed ironically. She stopped abruptly as the weirdness of it all sunk in.

"Can you forgive me?"

Dawn was silent for a moment. "I have to think about it."

Buffy bit her lip and nodded. Then they got up off the floor and left the room together.

Giles drove them home, and Dawn couldn't help watching him, and the way he and Buffy interacted, very closely. It gave her a funny feeling, seeing him open the car door for Buffy, like he always did, and give her his handkerchief to dry her tears with, knowing there was so much more behind it, which he didn't even know about.

At one point he noticed her staring at him in the rearview mirror. "Are you quite all right, Dawn?" he asked suspiciously.

She smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah…" She stopped herself from adding "dad," and only imagined what it would be like to call him that. Then she shook her head as if to clear it of such thoughts, because they were just too weird right now.

After they got home and Joyce had hugged her and exclaimed how worried she had been, Dawn went to Buffy's room and sat down with her on her bed.

"So, I've thought about it," she started.

Buffy was watching her very anxiously.

"I've thought about it, and I don't think I'm all that mad at you."

Buffy stared like she couldn't believe it.

Dawn continued, "I think that if it were me, I probably would have done the same thing. So I can't really be mad at you. And it is nice to know that I'm real. A sped up kid makes a lot more sense than a kid made from scratch. Your cover story really is full of holes." She smiled weakly.

The next moment she was wrapped tight in a Buffy hug and she couldn't breathe.

"Erm, Buffy, slayer strength and hugs, don't make for goodness," she choked out.

Buffy pulled back from her. "Sorry," she said through her tears. She was crying and smiling and laughing at once.

Dawn wished she could be as happy as Buffy, but she just felt kind of weird. She told her so. "I mean, you still feel like my sister, and mom like my mom, and dad like my dad..."

"But hey, your actual dad didn't run off."

"Yeah." Dawn nodded, still getting used to the idea of Giles being her father. "He's old, but I guess you at least have better taste than mom… I mean…" She looked questioningly at Buffy. "You don't want me to call you mom, do you?"

Buffy laughed a little and shook her head. "No." Then she seemed to actually think about it a bit and added, "Maybe. Not around mom, for sure. Or in public, 'cause that would get weird looks. But once in a while, if you want to..."

"Okay." Dawn nodded uncertainly. "Not yet though. I still have to get used to it."

Buffy nodded in agreement and continued to look at Dawn smilingly.

"When are you going to tell Giles?"

Buffy's face fell. "I wasn't planning to."

"Why not? Don't you think he should know?"

"What if he can't forgive me?"

Dawn gave her a look that was half exasperated, half comforting. "You're his Buffy, Buffy. Of course he will. And hey, if I can forgive you, he sure as hell can."

Buffy still looked uncertain.

"I want him to know, and you owe me," Dawn said.

"You're going to hold that over me forever, aren't you?"

Dawn nodded. "Yep."

Buffy sighed. "Okay. I'll tell him tomorrow."


	11. Changes Everything

Buffy thought the silence might kill her.

She was sitting on the couch in the training room next to Giles, having just told him the truth about Dawn. She had thought she knew Giles completely and was able to read all his looks, but the way he was looking at her now, she had never seen before, and had no idea what it meant. For all she knew he might be guilt ridden, or livid, or any mix of emotions in between. And although only seconds had passed since she had finished talking, Buffy felt like they were stretching into hours.

"Oh God," he finally said. "I had no idea." He sounded devastated.

"Yeah, that was kinda the point of not telling you." Buffy tried to make light of the situation, and immediately felt ashamed for doing so.

"Why didn't you?"

"I panicked. I was afraid it would totally mess us up, mess up both our lives." She smiled ironically, self-deprecatingly. "Then, after I felt so horrible about myself, the only way I could deal was to blame you for everything."

"I'm so sorry you didn't think you could tell me."

"Me too."

Giles stared thoughtfully into the distance. Buffy watched him closely, waiting for him to speak again. He was so still for so long it started to seem like he would never speak again.

Finally, it was Buffy who broke the silence. "Can you forgive me?" she asked quietly.

"Of course!" he said without thinking about it. He turned to her and was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "Of course, Buffy…" he drew her to him as she started crying. "You didn't even have to ask. I'm so sorry for everything."

When Buffy calmed down, she pulled away, wiping her face with her hand. "You're still watching the horizon, Giles," she said, commenting on his distant look.

"Hm?" He turned to her. "Oh, um, I-I'm just trying to get used to the idea, th-that we have a daughter… who's fifteen."

"Yeah, lot to take in, I know." Buffy smiled weakly. "But hey, she skipped straight to the years you have experience with, since that was 'bout my age when we met…" Buffy trailed off, her expression somewhat disturbed.

Giles gave her a sideways look.

"In my head that sounded like a point in the 'pro' column, not the 'we're terribly twisted' column. Um, not that I think we're twisted or anything," she continued, embarrassed. She saw Giles starting to smile in spite of himself. "Just, you know, a little bit strange." She laughed. Having finally told the secret that had been weighing her down for so long, Buffy felt incredibly light-hearted.

Giles was laughing too. "Oh dear. We're quite horrible, aren't we?"

"Hey, watch the 'we.'" Buffy said, pretending to be offended. "_You_ were the one making time with a minor."

"I never even thought of you that way when you were a minor," Giles said defensively.

"Really?"

"Not at all."

Buffy smiled teasingly. "Come on, I was a hottie."

"Never even thought of it."

"Sooo… no thoughts about the cheerleading costume?"

"It looked silly," Giles said plainly.

She didn't give up. "Or the miniskirts? The knee-high boots…?"

"Why?" He looked at her askance, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. "Were you trying to, um, turn me on?"

Buffy acted shocked. "Of course not!"

Giles shrugged defensively. "You do have a record of going after older men."

"Who _looked_ twenty-something."

"Still older."

"Younger than you, mister Giles."

"Fine, fine. Though I still question the motive behind some of the more, um, impractical ensembles you used to wear on patrol."

"Like what?"

"Well…" Giles started, then he noticed Buffy looking at him knowingly, her eyebrows raised. "Can't say I recall, exactly."

Buffy scoffed and shook her head at him. "You perv."

He blinked, taken aback, and Buffy thought she really had offended him. Then she noticed the corners of his mouth twitch. "Tart."

"Oh!" She exclaimed. "Creep."

"Lolita."

"Oh, say it like he does in the intro," Buffy told Giles enthusiastically, edging closer to him on the couch.

"What?" He looked confused.

"Of the movie. With the accent it sounds hot when you say it 'Lo-lee-ta.'" She enunciated each syllable carefully and slowly.

"Oh. Uh, um…" Giles blinked and turned away from her. He looked at a total loss.

Buffy felt her face burning up. "Or, um, you know, not." About a minute passé in awkward silence before Buffy spoke again. "So, what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"With us?"

"Oh. Um… h-has anything changed?"

"Hasn't everything?" was what Buffy wanted to say, but instead she said, "Not really, I guess."

Giles nodded.

"Um, Dawn would like to talk to you."

"Oh." Giles looked surprised. "Right." He stood up and headed towards the door. He turned back to Buffy expectantly.

"She kinda wants to talk to you alone."

He nodded nervously and walked into the store.

Dawn was doing her homework at the research table. Giles didn't go up to her, but stood at the back of the store and watched her work. She seemed so methodical about it, not at all like Buffy, but not like himself either when he was that age. He had always been fidgeting. Her hair reminded him of his mother, though. She had hair just like that; it used to glint in the sunlight in the exact same way.

Dawn looked up from her books and saw him watching her.

Giles glanced to the front of the store to make sure Anya was busy with customers, and then approached Dawn.

"Hi," she said, smiling slightly.

"Hello Dawn." He sat down across from her. "So…"

"Yeah."

He took a steadying breath before he spoke. "I'm so sorry."

"I've been hearing that a lot lately."

"I would have liked to have seen you grow up."

"Take it from someone who's been there, it was kinda boring," Dawn joked. She could feel this had the potential to get emotional. She wasn't sure she was ready for emotional-Giles yet. "I like it this way because I actually get to hang out with you and talk about stuff before you get all senior and senile."

Giles frowned, taken aback. "I'm not that old."

Dawn just looked at him, waiting for him to do the math.

"I wouldn't be senile at least," he said grudgingly.

"You might not even have made it to my fifteenth birthday, normally, you know."

Giles just looked at her.

"Because of your job. High mortality rate and all."

"Right. Um, well, that is looking on the bright side."

"That's what I figure." Dawn nodded. "Hey Buffy."

"Hi," Buffy said as she came up to the table. "Sorry to interrupt the bonding time, but mom's expecting us back soon."

"Okay." Dawn quickly packed up her books and slung her knapsack over her shoulders. "So…" she said, looking back and forth between Buffy and Giles. "What's up with you guys now?"

Buffy looked to Giles.

"We're, um, indefinitely on hold." He said.

"Oh," Dawn said, noticing Buffy's disappointed expression. "Well, see ya."

"Right. Good bye."

x

"Are you guys in love?" Dawn asked Buffy once they were outside and walking away from the Magic Box.

Buffy nodded.

"Then why aren't you together?"

"Everyone would kind of freak. Or, really freak, actually."

"So?"

"He thinks my mom and friends are more important than him."

"Maybe they won't freak."

Buffy gave Dawn a look.

"Okay, so they will, but they'll get used to it. _I_ think the idea is kinda freaky, but I want you to be happy. If they love you, then they will too. You've been through so much, you deserve it."

"Exactly, I've been through so much. And Giles doesn't want to put me through any more."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know." Buffy sighed, frustrated. "I want to be with him, but I don't want to mess up again…"

"But if you love each other…"

"God, that doesn't mean anything!"

Dawn stared, taken aback.

"What does that mean, that we're in love? Nothing's different. We still can't tell mom, Xander's still going to freak out, people are still going to judge us and Giles still has all of his varied and sundry issues. It doesn't matter."

"But…"

"Just drop it, Dawn. I don't want to talk about it."

They walked the rest of the way home in silence.

xxx

Buffy knew she should have dusted him ages ago, that she should just turn around and stake him right now, but still she didn't.

"Buffy! Come on now, stop." Spike called after her, chasing her as she marched home. "You can't just walk away from this."

"What part of punching you in the face do you not understand?"

"So we had a fight. It's not our first, love –"

She rounded on him. "Don't call me that! You don't know anything about love! I am _not_ your love."

"Whose are you then? Your watcher's?" Spike laughed. "That dried-up bookworm doesn't know the first thing about loving you."

"Giles loves me more than anyone in the world. He'd do anything for me."

Spike smirked. "Maybe, but that doesn't mean he knows how to do it well."

"Excuse me? But I thought you were listening when you were chained up in that bathroom." Buffy said sardonically.

"If he's so great, why aren't you going over to his place now, eh? Is it 'cause he'll only touch you when he's drunk?"

Buffy started towards him with a raised fist, but Spike backed away.

"Hey, hey, hey… looks like I struck a nerve. But nothing against you, pet. Not your fault he's too scared to do anything when he's sober." He noticed Buffy frown, thinking about what he said. "See? You know I'm right. And what kind of love is that, that's too scared to touch you? _Real_ love is scary, and it's messy. _My_ love is real. It's going to burn me alive, and I'm not afraid of it. It's wrong as hell, and I don't care who knows it." Spike sauntered towards Buffy again. "But if you knew I was going over to your place to tell your mum what's between you and Giles, how much would you pay to stop me?"

Buffy thought for a moment. She almost smiled. "Nothing."

"What?"

"You were right." Buffy shrugged. "We were both too scared. But now, I'm thinking not so much."

Spike was looking at her with a bit of a frown.

She looked at him seriously. "Go on and tell my mom that I'm sleeping with Giles. Tell my friends. I really don't care anymore." She turned and started in the opposite direction she was going before, leaving Spike looking hurt. Then she came back. "Oh, and yeah, that is "sleeping" in the present tense," she clarified. "Thanks Spike." And she ran off down the street.

x

Giles opened his door to find Buffy there, flushed and out of breath.

"Buffy! Is everything all right?"

"Yeah!" she said as she came in. "Everything's great. Um, Spike chained me up to a wall today and professed his undying love and almost staked Drusilla for me, but she escaped. Then he followed me home, and might be telling mom that I'm over here climbing on top of you right now, but I don't really know for sure." She looked him over and smiled.

Giles gaped at her for a moment. "Uh… What?" He shook his head trying to clear it. "Um… go-go back to when you were chained to a wall…?"

"Why?" Buffy smiled mischievously and stepped towards him. "That part turn you on?"

Giles stared dumbly. "What?"

"Do you think I love you?" she asked, suddenly serious.

"Um, sorry to keep repeating myself, but, what?"

"'Cause I don't think you do, think I love you." Buffy said, leading Giles to the couch as she talked and sitting down. "You keep holding me back, like if we got together and it caused angst and pain between me and my mom and my friends, I'd regret it."

Giles looked very confused by now. "Um, wouldn't you?"

"I thought about it actually, and no. Not at all. All relationships have problems, you know that, Giles. That's what being in love means, choosing the trouble and the pain just so you can be together. Giles, your whole life is devoted to me. I _want_ pain and trouble so that I can prove that I love you even half that much."

"Oh…" He nodded, considering her point seriously. Then he smiled, which may have had something to do with the fact that she had begun nibbling his ear. He pushed Buffy away gently. "I appreciate what you're saying, Buffy," he said, watching her expression intently. "But you know it won't end well. It never does."

"Maybe we'll be the ones to break the watcher-slayer curse. Or maybe we won't. I don't care, Giles. I'd rather have a tragic end for having loved than an empty life for having been too afraid to."

"You sound like a Victorian poet."

"Bit maudlin, huh?" She leaned in and kissed him, he let her.

"I rather like it," he said after she pulled away. "But I still don't think I'm worth it."

"Good thing you're not the one who has to choose."


	12. Epilogue

_April 22, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

I used to have a lot of diaries, but I burned them all up a few weeks ago. Now I have to introduce myself and my life all over again. I think I'll leave that for another time, though, 'cause it's really, really complicated. It'll probably fill half the book.

This is the first time I've been able to write since mom died in February. Usually I like to write when I'm upset, but it was just too hard this time. Whenever I tried I started crying. And also I was still dealing with the weirdness that mom wasn't actually my mom afterall, but my grandmom. Like I told you, it's complicated. She never did find out about any of that. I guess that's for the best.

No one knows who I really am, besides Buffy and Giles.

No one really knows about Buffy and Giles being together either. Well, I think Willow and Tara and Anya kinda know, but Xander's ignoring it. That's easy to do since Giles isn't really big on the PDAs. My point is, they aren't keeping it a secret, but they aren't making a big deal out of it either. I like it this way, 'cause I'm still just getting used to the whole thing, but I like having Giles around a lot too.

I asked Buffy if he's going to move in, and she said they haven't even talked about it yet.

And there goes the smoke alarm. Looks like we'll be having pizza for dinner. Again.

Dawn hopped off her bed and grabbed the phone. She ordered a large pizza with onions and bacon and olives and anchovies. Then she ran downstairs.

"Already ordered!" she announced as she bounded into the kitchen.

Giles was standing on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, turning off the smoke alarm, while Buffy carried in front of her, at arm's length, a blackened pot that was still emitting smoke to the sink. The windows and door were all opened wide.

"Wow. Didja start an actual fire this time?"

"Let's just say disaster was barely averted," Giles said as he stepped down from the chair.

"Ugh. This pot is ruined." Buffy pouted. "Nice going Giles."

"Excuse me? How is this my fault?"

"You were the one who was supposed to be watching the rice."

"I was. You deliberately distracted me."

"How'd she do that?" Dawn asked slyly.

Giles' face turned red. "Uh, she, um... w-we got to talking," he muttered. "What did you order?"

"The usual." Dawn said as she sat down at the kitchen island.

Giles groaned.

"Hey, if you aren't a fan of the anchovies, maybe you should try coming for dinner _after _the dinner's made. You know, so it has a chance to actually get made."

"No way, then I'd have to cook." Buffy protested.

"Maybe if you want me here to cook you should let me cook," Giles said as he filled up the kettle with water and put it on to boil.

"That's not all I want you here to do," Buffy said.

Giles blushed again.

"I also want you here to do the dishes."

Dawn smiled.

Giles rolled his eyes. "Yes, about that, it wouldn't kill you to hang around and help once in a while, instead of rushing out to patrol."

"You know, some night I might not come back, and then you'll be sorry you gave me such a hard time over a bit of housework."

"Don't joke like that," Giles said very gravely.

Dawn felt all the cheer rush out of the room.

Giles had been much more serious about Buffy's slaying lately. Dawn noticed that if she was at all late coming back from patrol, he started fidgeting and pacing.

"What's the matter?" she had asked him once. "She's not doing anything more dangerous than usual, and we haven't seen Glory since Willow teleported her. She might be stuck up in the Andes for all we know."

"I know," Giles had replied, trying to calm down. "It's just..." He sighed and sat down next to Dawn on the sofa. When he spoke his tone was very distant. "This is exactly what I was afraid would happen. I care too much about her. I can't stand it when she..." he trailed off. He added very quietly, "If anything ever happens to her I don't know how I'll go on."

Dawn liked to think of Giles as steady and stoic; it disturbed her that he could let his emotions control him so much. And it disturbed her that if anything happened to Buffy, she, Dawn, wouldn't be enough for Giles to live for. Not that he had said exactly that, but she could tell from the desperate anxiety that flitted across his expression that it was how he felt.

Dawn preferred to pretend all of that never happened. She searched her mind for something to change the subject to. "So, um, Giles, when are you moving in?"

"What?"

"Dawn, I told you we hadn't got to talking about that yet," Buffy said nervously.

Giles looked at her, confused. "I didn't even know it was on the itinerary."

"Well, do you want to?" Dawn asked.

For a moment Giles seemed at a loss for words. "Do you want me to?"

Dawn smiled a little. "Yeah, I kinda do. It'll be like we're a real family."

"We are a real family," Buffy said. "Maybe not your most traditional style, but one-hundred percent real, not from concentrate famliness."

"I know, but then it would _feel _like we're a family," Dawn replied. She turned to Giles. "So...?"

"I, um, I-I'll think about it," he answered, but smiled in a way that said said he was leaning towards "yes."

"Good," Dawn smiled back.

Despite all that had been going wrong lately, she was starting to feel like everything might all work out all right.

THE END


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